Monday, February 21, 2011

Patience before Blessings

I've thought a lot lately about how long one must wait through a trial until a blessing arrives. It seems that though the timing varies in each case, that the blessing they received is much more than they could have imagined. I focused in lightly on Abraham, Job and then Zacharias. Each was put through a trial, some harsher than others, and each was forced to wait significant periods of time before their blessing was received. Trick is, they received much more than they had imagined, and each had learned quickly to not question the plan of God.

Starting with Abraham, the trials we read about are various, from having to leave home at seventy-five, to getting a promise of a son not soon after, and then being forced to wait like 24 years for that Promised Son to be Born. It looks as though through the scriptures, that Abraham was given the promise shortly after he was told to leave Ur. And that being when he was 75 he didn't have Isaac until he was 100. In that stretch of time he proceeded to try and intervene and speed up the process. He slept with Hagar when he was about 86 years old and was able to conceive a son through her. Only thing was that this wasn't the son that God had promised him. He sidestepped God's plan, or at least he thought he did. God told him as much too. He forced him to wait even more. Thirteen years later Abraham and Sarah were visited again by an angel this time promising them a son in one years time. They laughed at the Idea and were rebuked for it. And Just as promised a son Came one year later.

We have about 38 chapters of Job's woes before we get God speaking to him again. Job has not lost any faith in God, nor has he turned away, but in his frustration he has questioned what God has allowed to happen. God rebukes him for it. Asking him where Job was when God was creating the World, and what authority he has to educate God on the things He should be doing. Yet it is still another four chapters, I don't know length of time, until we see that Job is blessed for his faithfulness. It appears that this plague of badluck that Job had went on for a long time, and that the heeling process took long as well. But God Was faithful and blessed Job for his endurance.

Zacharias questioned the angel that Told him that He would have a son in his old Age, in the Holy of Holies no less. He was rebuked, and punished. For at least ten months he was silenced. He could not speak a word until the 8th day of his Sons life when he simply said He will be Called John. And Zacharias was blessed with the son he had always wanted, as well as the knowledge that soon after the Christ would come.

These three came to mind cause they varying degrees of the trials they faced, and the various lengths of time they had to endure until the blessing was given to them. Each one needed rebuking, each one needed correcting, and reaffirming that the trials would pass and they would be able to receive the blessing they had coming. While one of them seemed to know that this blessing was coming, the other two have no indication through the Scriptures that they knew anything else besides the fact that God is faithful. They were able to persevere simply based on that knowledge.

They Didn't have specifics.

They didn't have it in black and white.

They didn't have contracts they could refer back to.

I guess that for me that's what strengthens the points all the more. Those guys didn't know what was coming. They were able to keep their faith up however, because they knew that God was faithful. They probably never dreamed that their blessings would be as significant as they were, but none the less they still stood strong.

For me that's an amazing encouragement. That fact alone, that God is faithful, has been the backbone to me getting past the things that have been thrown my way. I've not lost the fact that God loves me, or that he will bless me once this is all over, but I've often needed the rebuking and correcting he has given me to make sure I keep my mind on what's true.

God is Faithful.

God Loves me.

God will see me through.

There is a blessing on the other side.

I'm not sure that this is theologically correct, but for me it seems that the longer the trial, the harsher the trial, that the blessing is that much more spectacular.

That said I'm anxious for this to be over, but prepared to keep enduring what's thrown at me.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Baptism Acceptance between Roman Catholic Church and the CRC

I am writing this because in the January Issue of Banner, the CRC magazine, there is an article detailing that the CRC and Roman Catholic Church are working towards an agreement that would recognize each others Baptisms as Valid in both, as stated in the Article " to make the transition into the Roman Catholic church or into the CRC easier." I first off find it discomforting that the CRC is writing this to allow an easier entrance in the Roman Catholic Church as the two have very different Doctrinal standards as well as different belief systems in regards to how one attains salvation. View the Article Here, My post that follows is not an attack to the CRC's idea of baptism it is simply me voicing my discomfort with the idea that the CRC would allow itself to come into agreement on this issue when the views of the two churches do not align at all.

I was born into the Christian Reformed Church and baptized as an infant, yet I can now say that that baptism was a promised from my parents that they would raise me in a manor pleasing to the Lord as well as that the Church would help out in that regard. However, through my own study and education I have come to see that in scripture the idea of infant baptism is invisible. Every baptism that was done by either John the Baptist or through one of the Apostles was to someone that was coming in Repentance, to John the Baptist, or to commit themselves to Christ. John the Baptist himself speaks of the fact that his baptism is less than that of the Christ will bring, saying "As for me, I baptize you with water for repentance, but He who is coming after me is mighteier than I, and I am not fit to removie HIs sandals He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and Fire." (Matt. 3:11, Mark 1:8, Luke 3:16 and John 1:26) Even speaking in regards to John's baptism it is one of repentance and an infant cannot repent of anything for they have no knowledge that they have done wrong. Though my intent is not to criticize pedobaptism I feel there is no choice but to speak to what the Bible speaks about when it discusses Baptism itself. Again we do not see in the New Testament anywhere where baptism is done to someone that has not Confessed Jesus as Lord and Savior, Acts 19:3,4 talks about the fact that those that were Baptized into the baptism of John still needed to be under the Baptism of Jesus. Earlier in Acts we see that the Jailer that was brought to Christ was baptized after the fact (Acts 16:33), and yes the verse concludes with the phrase "and all his household" yet we see no evidence that this is done for any that were not converted. Again in Acts 8:37 and 38 we see that Philip baptizes the Ethiopian Eunich after he has received the Gospel and Grace of God. In fact in that Passage the Ethiopian says first " I blieve that Jesus Christ is the Son of God." He makes a proclamation of the deity of Christ, that He is in fact the Christ, and a personal belief in Jesus BEFORE being Baptized. (Philip actually requires this confession before he will baptize the man.) In Romans 6:4 Paul speaks of Baptism as a symbol of being buried with Christ and being raised in Christ's resurrection into New Life. Colossians 2 verse 12 carries this same idea.

Looking at those texts alone we have to come to the conclusion that baptism is for those that have a belief in Jesus Christ. Now, like I said before I do not wish to make this about pedobaptism but those points, I feel, must be made in order to properly refute the idea that the CRC should allow the baptism of it's Church to be viewed as the same as that of the Catholic Church.

One quick side bar on the topic, in study of the Greek work baptizo three definitions come into play the first two being that of submerging something to clean it or to repeatedly do it for another reason. But a third definition is there also which is to overwhelm. If Jesus' baptism is that of the Spirit, the image is true to the Submerging of a believer into the Spirit, but also the fact that the believer would be Over Whelmed by the Spirit. Another thing that cannot happen without that person coming to a true Faith in Christ.

After looking at CRC doctrine of Baptism, and that of the Roman Catholic Church it is clear that the two carry different ideas of what baptism is in the life of a believer. Though apparent differences in my own Dispensational theology to that of the Covenant theology of the CRC, I want to still say this; according to the Westminster Catechism baptism is a sign of the Covenant, not salvation. When I was baptized it was not a sign showing that I was then and there saved. It was however a symbol that I had been born into a family of believers and they had decided to raise me up in the right way. Pastor Gerald Erffmeyer of Orland Park CRC in Illinois always says before he baptizes a child "this water doesn't do anything special, it's a symbol." So why then should we associate the CRC concept of Baptism with that of the Roman Catholic Church, when in the Roman Catholic Church it is clear that they believe that baptism is necessary for one to be saved. Yet, give a disclaimer that it is possible to be saved and not baptized. They are back tracking on themselves, as they have done time and time again. To a Catholic John 3 verse 5 signifies that one must be baptized to be saved. It's clear when you exegete the passage thoroughly that Jesus has yet to speak of Baptism in his discussion with Niccodemus. In fact to a Jew the birth in Water is that of a physical Birth, not a baptism. Therefore when Jesus says one must be born of the Spirit and of water he is saying that without the idea of being Born again, born into the Family of God that is only due to a faith in Christ as Savior and LORD, one is not in a place where they can enter the kingdom of God. The passage doesn't even contain the word Baptizo. In fact the Greek word used in the passage for Born/Birth, is the idea of bringing one into his way of thinking, or to convert someone. The passage is mute on the idea of Baptism.

Then going to the next biggest passage on baptism, in fact the only one that I can see makes the statement that Baptism is necessary for Salvation, is First Peter 3 verse 21 which Reads "Corresponding to that, baptism now saves you, not the removal of dirt form the flesh, but an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ" As a good student of the Bible one must ask Corresponding to what? I believe that It goes all the way back up to Verse 18. We have the idea of Baptism in relation to the Suffering that Christ went through, yet the Joy of his resurrection. The word here is often defined as one being baptized into the same afflictions. Or submerged into afflictions that were patterned after Jesus'. Or even to be overwhelmed in those afflictions. The word of water here is literal! Only either people were saved from the Flood, only either didn't drown in the water. It is not about baptism! It is about enduring through affliction it's about suffering and how we can have life in Christ through it and through him Get through it!

So is baptism necessary for ones salvation? If even the Catholic Church won't make this an Ultimatum then we can discard the idea. Yet that is what the Catholic Idea of Baptism is. While I disagree on the idea of Covenant theology the idea of baptism is the same. A child who is dedicated or Baptized is one who is being promised by his parents and his church that they will do their best to show him God so that one day the child may confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Further, I daresay that the CRC needs to distance itself from the Roman Catholic Church. The Catholic Church is a "Jesus and" type of Church. One must be baptized, one must go to confession, one must take the Eucharist, and one must make penance for their sins. It seemingly says that we have to earn our salvation, or at least that we have to do things in order to say "See Jesus! I found you and then I was Good enough!" Yet Scripture teaches the opposite, it teaches that we get to say to people "I found Jesus, Received salvation and will enter into Eternal Paradise in spite of the fact that I'm not good enough nor will I ever be! Instead it is because of the Power, authority and Grace of God!"

I'm not saying that every Catholic isn't Saved, in fact I know many that do not know that in the doctrines of that Church these things are required for one to enter paradise, but what I am saying is this, the CRC which is based on the Scriptures and the teachers of those, not those of the Saints or of the Father (though they are highly regarded when they themselves were taught using scripture as guide and reason). I think it is a terrible idea to link the two Churches baptism. I think also that the CRC must look at the various doctrines of the Catholic church and make statements that proclaim them wrong, because some of them are.

I hope that the various Scriptures I discussed and the words themselves will help to see that, despite the idea's of pedobaptism or Believers Baptism, that linking the Protestant baptism to the of the Roman Catholic Church is an out right impossibility without one rewriting what it's baptism means.

Thank you for your time,

Bryce Gross

(Sources for CRC standpoints were taken from the Heidelberg Catechism. Those for the Catholic position were from

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Old or New

"there fore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

Old and New. Two opposites that seem to dictate the other. We find remakes of cars that are considered Old and Classic, that in fact are nothing like them and often either they are loved as much or hated so much more. For Instance the Classic GTO compared to the GTO that came out years ago, many would consider the new Model a fail, particularly because it had none of the classic car feel to it. However, we find the New Chargers are a model of car that has exploded onto the scene, and actually offers very little of that Classic feel. To some keeping that feel that look, that line of thinking is exactly what is necessary for the new Car to represent the old respectfully and fully.

So what of us? What of people?

We are new creations after we are redeemed, new people, with a new life, a renewed soul and spirit. Our hearts are changed, and our minds should be renewed. But sometimes. . . they're not.

Sometimes we hang on to the old, cling to it, we refer to ourselves as a new creation surely, yet we don't do much of anything that is new. When we think new, we instantly think better. If someone comes to you and says "Hey check out this new computer I got" and he brings out a home computer from the 80's, you are going to laugh. But if Steve Jobs comes out and says Look at this new Computer! You'd surely get excited for the new design, programs, processing, and all the new and better abilities of this new model compared to the old.

However, as people we often try to keep the old, and the new.

We want to be that new creation that Christ has allowed us to be, that the Spirit is enabling us to be, yet we hang on to things from our old creation that aren't a part of the new one. Sometimes it's friends, or habits, and others it's beliefs about ourselves. I have to say, that that last bit is the hardest thing I have had to deal with since fully surrendering myself to Christ. It's hard for me to admit it sometimes, but I rarely look at myself as the new creation that I am.

I see the screw up, the one who isn't good at much of anything, the one that gets forgotten, left behind, the one that can't keep up, and the one that continues to fail time and time again. I see the guy that people didn't wanna be around, the crude, crass, brutally honest guy that didn't care about how someone felt.

What I don't often see, is the caring, compassionate, passionate man that I've become. I rarely see the one that can succeed, the one that people rely on, and the one that loves to help people.

Why is that? Why do I only seem to remember the Bad??

Because it's something that I haven't been able to let go. Maybe for lack of understanding, but that inability to let go has done something over time that hasn't been well for me. It's made me repeat mistakes over and over again, it's caused me to falter, misstep, and fall time and time again.

When we refuse to let go of the Old parts of us, we can't fully grasp the new.

We are never going to be able to avoid falling in a hole, if we never take a different path.

We can't get past our past, if we still bring it with us in the form of friends.

That's hard.

That's uncomfortable. . .

Yet it's the truth. I speak from experience. I speak from Reason. It just makes sense.

I've battled myself for a long time on if I can keep part of my Old creation within me, within this new Creation that I've become. And I've come to realize that I can't.

Paul says it best I think:

" Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." -- Colossians 3:5-10

And he does it again in Romans 8 when he says that we are to put to death the ways of old.

It sucks sometimes to do what we have to do to get better. When sick we don't reuse the same old toothbrush and expect to get better do we? We don't go outside when it's cold with very little warm clothes and assume that we're going to get over the sickness inside us? Nor do we assume that if we don't put suntan lotion on we won't burn more than we already have in the summer do we?

No. It's common sense. So then as much as it is difficult it is common sense. And it's hard! Incredibly hard to distance yourself from people you know you must distance yourself with. To put limitations on yourself based on the past and how it'll effect the future. But it's what's best.

Christ never said it was Easy, he Never said it wouldn't leave scars. But he did say that It's what is going to be best.

Hebrews says that God has done good with everything he's done to us.

That simple truth is the only thing that keeps me on the way to forgetting the way I thought about myself in my old creation, and keeps me focusing on myself in the New.

Try it. See what it does. See how you change. I promise it will be one of the best choices you make.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Way to overdue

Over the past few months, coming back to almost a year now, I have felt like I am in a constant state of upheaval. Nothing has gone as it was desired, and I let things that were important to me slip away. Oh the things we lose to depression. Desire to do what we love, the ability to stand for ourselves, and often to even see the good things going on in our lives. I've spent time in the word, though admittedly not nearly enough. Hear and there I'd find a psalm or passage to focus on, I'd latch to it for a week then, forget about it. Twice I memorized passages in an attempt to pull them to mind when the time called for a battle, and I lost them. They weren't needed and I didn't practice. It was a defeat I brought to myself because when I did need them, they weren't there at my fingertips to use.

It's been crazy. School is harder than ever, and I'm less motivated than ever. Working out used to be a thing that I loved to do, now it's hard to even want to make time for it. I'm disconnected with the church I attend, typically because I find myself over sleeping, and then blaming the disconnect on the my inability to come to most church functions due to being away at school (26 miles isn't away.) I seldom throw myself into my home work, papers, tests what ever. And most often find myself throwing myself into my bed, or the car. I work just fine, though I've given away too many shifts for my liking, and for the liking of my bank accounts. I've turned apathetic to most things, and the hardest part about it is that I dont know when this Funk is going to end. I have a difficult time calling it a funk, a funk is . . idk a few weeks of being in a lil mess, this has been over a year. There's been some things that have been catalysts to it, if you know me you know them also. But it's the little things.

The little things that drive me crazy, and the little things that make me smile. A text from a friend. A random gift, hug, smile, what ever. A good grade, a good day. A day where i wake up thankful for waking up, is a day that I know I'm going to enjoy. I used to take great pride in things like work, and working out, and the like. Now? I'm content, dare I say complacent. Well the fact is I hate where I am, I hate who I am being at this moment, pretending to be more like, and this Complacency is fake. My enemy has decided to get me to a point where I want to do nothing. He wants me to make me lazy, Un effective.

My enemy isn't physical, no it is deeper than flesh and blood. It's the sin nature with in myself, at least in part. More so it is my belief that it is the Enemy that all Christians face at one point in time or another, the Devil, the Deceiver, the Liar, Satan. That angel that felt he deserved glory. The Fool who thought he deserved Glory. How simple it is for him to convince us of the same fallacy. That we deserve Glory. Hes the enemy of Enemies, the worst of them, the one that we must wage war with, or at least must Let Christ wage a war within us against him.

A Psalm that I found, that centered my mind and heart on this truth, that he is the enemy I have been fighting lately, is Psalm 13. Granted the enemies that David is speaking of are physical enemies, either the philistines or those sent after him from Saul. But no less, so often in the Psalms we see something that rings true for us in today's world, and often see the Spiritual aspects to the earthly problems that the Psalmists wrote of.
"How long O lord? Will you forget me forever? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me. Consider and answer me O lord my God light up my eyes, lest i sleep the sleep of Death, lest my enemy say I have prevailed over him, lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast Love and my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD because he has dealt bountifully with me" Psalm 13:1-6

I felt for so long that the LORD abandoned me, that he didn't forget me that he just saw what I saw, that it wasn't going to work, that I wasn't going to do anything worth while, so he gave up. It's like just dropping a project int he middle of the effort. Thats what I felt was happening. It was foolish of me to think so, he's done too much in my life to put me where he wants me, some painful, some delightful. But all good, as it says in Hebrews 6 God has done everything for the betterment of his people. He never looked away from me, It was I who looked from him. I started to take counsel in my own soul and thus brought the more problems. The enemy has kept my head down too long, self centered and self focused, and I've been aiming for a chance to force my eyes up, to get them lifted up so i can once again see the Glory of God played out in my life.

I started to heed this writers advice, along with the writer of Psalm 77, and started to look into the good that God has done and trust in what I know he's done for me before. Where he's brought me, to whom, with whom, with what, how, every detail I could remember I tried to recall so that I could see that today is not a waist and tomorrow is a gift i should pray would come quickly and pass slowly. It has been a difficult time, a difficult task as well into figuring out what I'm to do now. I'm still down in the dumps so to speak, still depressed and over anxious about many things going on right now. But for the first time in a while I'm excited for the future, for the places he's going to bring me. It's going to be a good ride.

I'll finish with two more verses of a Psalm. Psalm 37:4 - 5
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will five you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD trust in him and he will act."

Didn't take me too long to figure out the secret. Of course it's all in accordance to his will, but the fact is, that I wasn't delighting in the LORD nor was i truly committing my way to him at least not joyfully, I guess it's time for it to happen. That's the change I'm making, and Oh what a difference it's made.

He is Great, mighty, beautifully strong, and Loving. Truth is, that's about all I need.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Psalm 23:1-3

I was trying to think of what to write and I just kept coming back to Psalm 23, and I don't know that I'll get through all of it, maybe in verses, yea I'll do that. I want to relate this to me though, to give just a little more incite as to where I am because, well the Lord has put me on a journey that is scaring me, breaking me, and rebuilding me. It's a trip and I love it, even though at times I get angry with Him and want to just move on. However, lately I've been coming back to this Psalm. Reciting it, Praying it, and studying it. And I think it's about time I share a little bit of that information, even to those tho know it because we all need reminders sometimes.

Psalm 23:1 "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall Not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He Restores my soul; he guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

The first thing I notice when I see this grouping of Verses is the it is the LORD who is the shepherd, not Lord, or God or any other name but it is YHWH that is the shepherd. For a believer that helps me connect with Jesus' statement "I am the good shepherd" right away. I connect that the LORD is the Good Shepherd as well. It's a total thing, it's not just the Physical Jesus or the Spirit but it is the Father as well, it's the whole trinity that is the Shepherd for the people. I think about what a shepherd is, how he cares for His flock, meets all their needs for them and how even rewards them. He does what is best for them.

Sheep are dumb, plain and simple they're dumb. They wander away, they sometimes have to have help getting up from their sleep because they can't roll over properly, they're stupid. The Shepherd has a job of watching over stupid animals, it's hard he has to walk a lot during the day, chase down sheep that run away, he has to fight off wolves and in the case of David lions and bears! But he is always willing to lay down his life for his sheep. That brings us a tad away from the Psalm and into Jesus' statement but we need to recognize our need for someone like that. Our need for someone to protect us, to watch over us, bring us to where we can eat and drink so that we will want for nothing.

A sheep had it's needs met. They didn't really need a whole lot; rest, water, food and that was about it. "I shall not want" the Psalmist says, because he knows that the LORD will meet all his needs. He will be safe, and rested, and fed. He might even get a reward or two. He'll often get extra. See a shepherd wouldn't take his sheep where there was barely enough to eat, or drink no he took them where there was plenty of water and grass for them to graze because his job was to take care of them. He brought them to green pastures, and still waters. He let them eat, and drink, and rest. The word David uses that we translate restore, means to turn back. To return to. He restores my soul the psalm reads but to one who knew the language they might see it as, he causes my soul to return to Him! How brilliant. The Shepherd, the LORD causes the soul of His sheep to return to Him. To turn back to Him. He wins them over! He does what they need, he provides for them and He gets them to turn back to Him in their Souls!

Look at what immediately follows that phrase about restoring their souls, "He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." So he turns their souls back to Him and then He guides them in the paths of Righteousness. Once He wins them back and turns their souls back to Him, he then leads them. He doesn't desert them, or let them figure out themselves he guides them. He walks with them! As a shepherd would do. He leads them on the path of righteousness, he leads them the right way, the best way! Not always the least difficult way, but the best way. And it's for His name that he does it. He does it so that those he leads would praise his name, that they would know it was him that was doing it. He doesn't do it because He has to, but because He desires us to turn to him and walk with him. See a good shepherd loved his sheep, I can say that because they were willing to die for their sheep. They wanted the best for them, and they did what was right. It often brought them more work, and certainly the faith of more people to trust him with their sheep.

So that's what I see when I see those three verses. I see a lot about God's goodness, provision and who he is. But how, in my current condition does that relate.
Well, I know that Jesus is my shepherd he wants what's best for me, and he's going to do what's best for me. He laid down his life for me, why would He stop doing what's best now? And along with that I know his consistency is unprecedented, He's never failed so why would He now. I see that He gives me the things I need, the things that are going to fill me up and I need. He gives me peace and rest even though I'm not seeing it at the moment. For Me it's something I'm looking forward to. The psalm says he leads me, that involves some travel, some distance to be covered before that rest and replenishment comes.
I believe I'm in that journey Now. That the Lord is taking me on the best way, I've recent been in that point of peace and rest and Now I believe that I'm traveling again, the best way and not the easiest way. There's perils and the like but nothing that is going to destroy me. I'll overcome it all because the Shepherd is leading me in the right way. I like how quickly the psalm turns from that picture of returning the soul of the followers back to God, because often we become embittered toward God on that journey, and then when we see the place he was leading us to we turn around and return to him, it's not that we wandered away it's that possibly we were just about to leave because it was tough. We're mad at God for making us go through what it is went through, a death, sickness, break up, school or w/e it is that we had to journey through. But for me, i see the Promise of being restored, of being refreshed, and replenished. I see the promise that God is doing this so that I'll give him the glory in the end, and noone else. Not myself, but Him. Because it's in his name's sake that I'm going through this, and that I'm going to be refueled when I arrive wherever it is he's taking me.

A shepherd brought his sheep to where it was best for them, sometimes to get them to go he had to discipline them and force them to not be able to wander away from where they were going, but he always had their best intentions in mind. For me, I see Him having done that, and doing it more and more. But I know that he's going to lead me to a place where it's better than where I've been before. I'm along for the Trip as for now, looking forward to the promise of still waters and quiet pastures. The journey may be difficult but the fact is, the end result is promised to be worth the Trip.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Soul Searching.

Lately things have been incredibly difficult for me. Classes, work, working out, when I'm at school I wanna be home, and when I'm home I want to get outa the state. It's been progressively worse even though at times I feel better. it's far more often that I have the urge to get away from everything that's been plaguing my mind.

I feel like I've been under attack since the school year started, peace has all but alluded me, and Joy well more often than not it's forced. I pray and read, though more prayer than reading much to my own disappointment, and yet I feel as if my prayers hit the ceiling and come back and pierce me like a knife. It's like I'm running in place. I feel empty, unfulfilled. I confess my sin and pray for change. I renounce the evil things that are inside of me, and yet I feel no relief. I believe I've truly given these things over to the Lord, and yet don't feel as though He is taking them from me.

I know that I'll never be given more than I can handle, but maybe He's overestimated me. Or I'm underestimating myself. . . not sure which one. A lot of the things going on and through my mind have to do with certain situations that have come about and loss of relationships, and strains on other ones, and yet I don't feel this is the core. I feel utterly alone, almost all the time. Even with my best friends around me, I feel alone. I'm the scapegoat, the target, the fool. I'm the accessory that's not needed, and only there because of convenience. I've felt that for a long long time. Deserted. Abandoned. Forgotten. Alone. It's something I've grown used to, but being used to something being there, doesn't mean I still don't hate it with all I have. And I do. Perhaps It's my end to be alone. To go through this time alone and figure something out, something that will enable me to come out on top later when there isn't a way for me to do so. or maybe it's so that I can influence someone else. I don't know. All I know is. I'm tired of it.

So here's to my hope that my prayers reach the Fathers ears and that he takes care of all my needs and brings me peace for longer than a day. To joy that isn't forces. And happiness that's not based in relationship. Hope it works, He is good so. Just waiting to see.