I've been running a lot lately. Last week everyday I was up at 5 am, which resulted in me being in the gym at 6am and working out before breakfast and class all before 8. It felt good to get in the weight room, to get on the treadmill and to run especially. I haven't run in a long while. I usually swim or bike or something else other than run but lately I've been running.
I've always used working out to get numb in a way. To forget things, people, events, even to forget the day that lay behind me. Honestly, I work out to feel it so that I don't have as much energy and focus to think about what was going on before. It's how I cope. When fighting doesn't work, I hide. If I can't fight it anymore, if I can't get around it, If i can't go through it, I get away from it.
It's been that way lately. I fought harder than I ever have, used more energy and pushed myself but nothing happened of any good in the whole deal. I got to a point where I couldn't go another step forward. I was alone, felt abandoned even though I truly knew better, and I felt worthless, even though I know where my real worth lies. I was spent. I had nothing left.
I felt mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. It was the internal mirror of when I was training for the twelve minute run for football at Concordia University. I had to run 7.75 laps of a quarter mile track in 12 minutes or less. It was hard! I never quite got there, but I remember that when I did my best when I ran as hard as I could for twelve minutes I could barely move. And I had fallen Short. I failed. I was stuck. I didn't end up playing football for them, I didn't even go to the school it didn't have anything to do with the run but still it was a stigma i kept with me. I couldn't do it.
That's how life has felt lately. That I can't do it. That even though I've gone through the training, and that I've had the guidance, assistance and encouragement of those around me I still failed. What's worse is looking back it feels like it was twice in a row. It happened and then I kept getting ready, I got more prepared, I got better I moved forward and then when it came to show up it bombed. I failed. Again. Nothing I could do at all. So I sat there and punched a brick wall for a while. After 2 months of progress it died out. Nothing I did worked nothing got through and I was on empty. I haven't recovered. I haven't juiced back up. I'm not ready. I'm not even close. The Lord feels distant, and it's my fault sure but fact is it's the truth. I know he's never failed me, but I feel like I've failed. I put so much into it and nothing happened. I'm still empty. I'm still fighting for something that's not there. I'm swinging blindly in the dark. I haven't learned my lesson. I can't sit and jus let it because then I have no say in the matter!
Maybe it's better that way. That i have no say in the matter. That I just stay and Hide. But is it hiding in the cowardly sense or, is it smart? Is it to rejuvenate and prepare. To game plan and get right? Is that a smart way to do it? Is that how we should do it? Should the marines chill in the building for an hour before moving through the rest of the town when they come upon something they didn't expect? If they found a tank regiment and didn't plan for it, and decided to just keep going they'd be whipped out. They would have to come up with a battle plan.
So thats where I'm going to be. Coming up with a battle plan. I'm going to fight to be in the light, I'm going to do all I can to be in the right mind and I'm going to win. End of Story. The Lord is my strength, in fact in him is where I'm going to be doing my plan. For Psalm 61:1-4 says "Hear my Cry O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint' Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever Let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings." He also tells us that we are more than conquerors in Christ. We Will Conquer! We Will Win! The Enemy doesn't get to hold on to the part of my life that he has for so long. He has no power over me and he will lose.
It's taken it's toll on me, and I'm tired sore and worn but I'll win. I just need a little rest. In the shelter of the Most High.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Know Your worth.
This past weekend I was given the chance to speak at the youth Group at my parents church in Orland and the Topic of self worth was one I gladly took up. I wanted to share some of it here.
Humanity is the Pinnacle of Creation. We are the Corvette stingray next to the 1982 Honda civic that doesn't have tires. We were the thing declared "Very Good" by our creator. More over, as a Professor Said in class one day, "You saints when you wake in the morning, a servant as you go throughout your day, and a beloved child of god as you lay your head down to sleep." We are worth while, we are priceless in the eyes of the only one that matters.
I do not believe that self-esteem is something we get from our understanding of Scripture. Don't get me wrong having a good self image, a good self outlook, and self-respect is a great thing. But a self-love isn't. In 2 Timothy 16 Paul puts "lovers of self" in the same category as "lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, . . . unholy, unloving, . . . brutal haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." Nothing in that list displays anything that mirrors Christ. He was self-less, loved others more than himself, in fact He died for all mankind! It wasn't that He hated Himself, it doesn't seem fit that God could ever hate Himself, because scripture talks about the perfect loving Union that God-head has. It was for love of Himself, and His people that He died. Scripture continues to make statements about not seeking his own good but that of a neighbor (1 Cor. 10:24), about the greatest being the servant not the master (Matt 23:11,12) and how we are to love our neighbor as ourselves! Scripture looks poorly on the prideful arrogant, and self centered, and conversely looks favorably on the self-less, the modest, and the servant.
That being said, that we are to know that we have worth, yet not be prideful it's clear that our worth has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with our creator. It's like the man that has a common car, in fact three of them in his driveway, and a rare car (one of only ten) in his garage covered in trash. For the owner the one that has more worth is the one that is useful to Him. However while this image is decent it's misleading, I have no more worth than the drug addicted murderer sitting in prison, I am simply living in the light of the knowledge of my worth to the Lord.
Image is linked to worth when it comes to humanity. Men must be either Athletic, Handsome, smart or savvy in order to have worth in the world, while women must be attractive, smart, attractive for them to be considered worth it here. It's stupid. It's a lie. Those attributes have no thing to do with worth, and everything to do with Gifts. They are gifts from the Lord, who looks no differently from one to the other. The man who works on a car has no more worth than the one preaching if they are both living and working for the Kingdom. We try to put things in that fill the void of God and we continue to fail. I tried sports, parties, girls and even work to fill that void for years and nothing worked. You can't Fill a God Sized Hole with a Man Sized Answer. Won't work. It's like trying to put a square where a circle should be you'll fail every time. It either won't fill all the space, or you can't fit it in at all. Our Image is like that of God. We are a chosen race! Beloved! Adored! Treasured! Looked highly upon! God Loves us, and when we live in the knowledge of that fact we have an image that no mirror can reflect and nothing can ruin. For Christ makes new our image to the Father.
So, we are beloved, treasured, and wanted. We are image bearers of God. And we Have nothing to do with our self-worth. Our Self-worth is all about Jesus. We can either live in the knowledge of that use, or we can ignore it. Like the man who ignores a million dollar check on his table addressed to him, he can cash it or let sit, or even throw it out. God wants us to only cash it. He wants us to cash in on our worth in Him and he is desperate to keep us from throwing it away. Psalm 139 is full of allusions to how Good God is in our creation!
It talks about being knit together in the womb, how skillfully we were made, how he has cared enough for us to write out our days before our birth. It says that the number of Good thoughts he has about us is more than grains of sand! For each person! He gives us worth. He loves Us. Treasures us. Desires us. He's reached out for us, he came to us when we could not come to him. Surely if we were not something of Value, something of Great Worth he would not have given his son for us. Forget what the Devil says that we're not good enough, that we can't beat our sin, that we can't live in that faith he's a liar a killer and a thief (John 10:10) He's a fool! He sees God face to face and thinks he can be better. That is a fool who knows no wisdom. Wisdom is this, God Loves us and desires us. He will give us the strength to overcome the sin in our lives, he guides us to live by faith. We are the Pinnacle of creation. We are the beloved children of God! We are valued.
Rejoice in the things about ourselves and our situations that we don't like! For they are surely only for our good. That one is hard to swallow for me. But it's true none-the-less. I've seen it so many times. He works everything out so that we can be well and live life abundantly for his Glory.
Know your worth. It's found in God! Nothing Here! No one here! Only by God.
Live knowing your worth. Cash that Check don't let it sit on the table, and surely don't throw it away and sell yourself off for the Lies that the enemy tries to convince you of.
We cannot ever change our worth in the Eyes of God. There is nothing we can do to make God love us Less. So try every day to do everything For Him, in Him and through Him.
God Loves us. End of Story
Humanity is the Pinnacle of Creation. We are the Corvette stingray next to the 1982 Honda civic that doesn't have tires. We were the thing declared "Very Good" by our creator. More over, as a Professor Said in class one day, "You saints when you wake in the morning, a servant as you go throughout your day, and a beloved child of god as you lay your head down to sleep." We are worth while, we are priceless in the eyes of the only one that matters.
I do not believe that self-esteem is something we get from our understanding of Scripture. Don't get me wrong having a good self image, a good self outlook, and self-respect is a great thing. But a self-love isn't. In 2 Timothy 16 Paul puts "lovers of self" in the same category as "lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, . . . unholy, unloving, . . . brutal haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." Nothing in that list displays anything that mirrors Christ. He was self-less, loved others more than himself, in fact He died for all mankind! It wasn't that He hated Himself, it doesn't seem fit that God could ever hate Himself, because scripture talks about the perfect loving Union that God-head has. It was for love of Himself, and His people that He died. Scripture continues to make statements about not seeking his own good but that of a neighbor (1 Cor. 10:24), about the greatest being the servant not the master (Matt 23:11,12) and how we are to love our neighbor as ourselves! Scripture looks poorly on the prideful arrogant, and self centered, and conversely looks favorably on the self-less, the modest, and the servant.
That being said, that we are to know that we have worth, yet not be prideful it's clear that our worth has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with our creator. It's like the man that has a common car, in fact three of them in his driveway, and a rare car (one of only ten) in his garage covered in trash. For the owner the one that has more worth is the one that is useful to Him. However while this image is decent it's misleading, I have no more worth than the drug addicted murderer sitting in prison, I am simply living in the light of the knowledge of my worth to the Lord.
Image is linked to worth when it comes to humanity. Men must be either Athletic, Handsome, smart or savvy in order to have worth in the world, while women must be attractive, smart, attractive for them to be considered worth it here. It's stupid. It's a lie. Those attributes have no thing to do with worth, and everything to do with Gifts. They are gifts from the Lord, who looks no differently from one to the other. The man who works on a car has no more worth than the one preaching if they are both living and working for the Kingdom. We try to put things in that fill the void of God and we continue to fail. I tried sports, parties, girls and even work to fill that void for years and nothing worked. You can't Fill a God Sized Hole with a Man Sized Answer. Won't work. It's like trying to put a square where a circle should be you'll fail every time. It either won't fill all the space, or you can't fit it in at all. Our Image is like that of God. We are a chosen race! Beloved! Adored! Treasured! Looked highly upon! God Loves us, and when we live in the knowledge of that fact we have an image that no mirror can reflect and nothing can ruin. For Christ makes new our image to the Father.
So, we are beloved, treasured, and wanted. We are image bearers of God. And we Have nothing to do with our self-worth. Our Self-worth is all about Jesus. We can either live in the knowledge of that use, or we can ignore it. Like the man who ignores a million dollar check on his table addressed to him, he can cash it or let sit, or even throw it out. God wants us to only cash it. He wants us to cash in on our worth in Him and he is desperate to keep us from throwing it away. Psalm 139 is full of allusions to how Good God is in our creation!
It talks about being knit together in the womb, how skillfully we were made, how he has cared enough for us to write out our days before our birth. It says that the number of Good thoughts he has about us is more than grains of sand! For each person! He gives us worth. He loves Us. Treasures us. Desires us. He's reached out for us, he came to us when we could not come to him. Surely if we were not something of Value, something of Great Worth he would not have given his son for us. Forget what the Devil says that we're not good enough, that we can't beat our sin, that we can't live in that faith he's a liar a killer and a thief (John 10:10) He's a fool! He sees God face to face and thinks he can be better. That is a fool who knows no wisdom. Wisdom is this, God Loves us and desires us. He will give us the strength to overcome the sin in our lives, he guides us to live by faith. We are the Pinnacle of creation. We are the beloved children of God! We are valued.
Rejoice in the things about ourselves and our situations that we don't like! For they are surely only for our good. That one is hard to swallow for me. But it's true none-the-less. I've seen it so many times. He works everything out so that we can be well and live life abundantly for his Glory.
Know your worth. It's found in God! Nothing Here! No one here! Only by God.
Live knowing your worth. Cash that Check don't let it sit on the table, and surely don't throw it away and sell yourself off for the Lies that the enemy tries to convince you of.
We cannot ever change our worth in the Eyes of God. There is nothing we can do to make God love us Less. So try every day to do everything For Him, in Him and through Him.
God Loves us. End of Story
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Focus
When we drive, we go where we focus. If you focus on the mailboxes on the side of the road you're going to drift that way. If you text and drive you might notice that what ever hand you text with, which direction your head turns, is the way you'll find your car drifting if you look down long enough.
It's the same thing for our life.
If we focus on something we're going to drift to it. If I focus on my pleasure I'm going to pursue money, sex, alcohol, and other things. If I focus on pleasing others than I'm going to substitute my morals, and my values out for theirs.
It can be a good, great, and awesome thing however.
If we focus on Jesus, If we dwell on Him we'll start to be like Him. We'll act, talk, walk, think, pray and praise like He did while he was here on earth. It's a great thing. If we focus on Jesus we'll be like Him.
Who woulda thunk?
Paul tells us to be in like mind with Christ, which is going to make us like Him. So lets do it.
Friday, December 4, 2009
1 Cor 13.4
Love and Peace have eluded me for a few weeks now. In fact it's been longer than that, but it's typically been in spurts. I'm over anxious, angry, I feel alone, unloved, unlovable and deserted. Oddly enough a line from a movie made me wonder, the line basically says that if I were the enemy I'd want you feeling alone and abandoned. It's how I feel.
I've also come to the conclusion that I know God is love. So if I don't feel Love, of any kind, am I also not feeling God? I asked myself this and decided that I'm an idiot. I've tried to do this alone, to "man up" when I should really be leaning on others, and crashing to my knees before the LORD. Why should I have to go it alone? I mean I'm not alone. I said earlier today, that God said it was not good for man to be alone, and truly I am not alone, I have others here at school, at home and afar that love me, pray for me, and help me when I need it, and yet I feel utterly alone. It's crap that I've let the Enemy place in my head.
I'm loved.
Unconditionally, I'm loved.
I've looked over the passage on Love in first Corinthians 13 many times. Looked at it to help me love the person I was seeing at one point in time, used it to affirm the fact that this one Lately is a different type of love. The same love that God shares for his church, for truly that must be the meaning of the passage, or at least a theme. I've read it again and finished with this question. Do I love God Unconditionally??
I've listed it here for you :
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (NASB)
Am I patient? Kind? Jealous? Am i arrogant in my Christianity, or my Faith? Do I act unbecomingly? Seek my own will? Do i get angry at God? Do I (dare) hold things against God? Would I rather be unrighteous and feel justified or be righteous? Do I believe, hope, bear and endure all things, God?
It's a focus point I believe. I mean look at it. I'm not patient, for me two days is too long because Well, I want things on my time! And he Laughs! I demand my own will a lot! I may say, if you will it, but honestly I say under my breath, well of course you will it because it's what's best! (According to whom, often comes after but I try to suppress it.) I am a fool and Hold things against God (So and so is happy! They're not depressed! They get this they get that!) I get mad at God. And certainly there are times where I do not believe that He's doing what's best, and I wish to not endure but escape. Foolish of me isn't it?
So, it's a time to refocus. Do we Love God unconditionally or are their(?) Conditions to how we Love Him?
I mean, He loves us unconditionally. Enough to sacrifice His son. So . . . shouldn't we repay the favor?
I've also come to the conclusion that I know God is love. So if I don't feel Love, of any kind, am I also not feeling God? I asked myself this and decided that I'm an idiot. I've tried to do this alone, to "man up" when I should really be leaning on others, and crashing to my knees before the LORD. Why should I have to go it alone? I mean I'm not alone. I said earlier today, that God said it was not good for man to be alone, and truly I am not alone, I have others here at school, at home and afar that love me, pray for me, and help me when I need it, and yet I feel utterly alone. It's crap that I've let the Enemy place in my head.
I'm loved.
Unconditionally, I'm loved.
I've looked over the passage on Love in first Corinthians 13 many times. Looked at it to help me love the person I was seeing at one point in time, used it to affirm the fact that this one Lately is a different type of love. The same love that God shares for his church, for truly that must be the meaning of the passage, or at least a theme. I've read it again and finished with this question. Do I love God Unconditionally??
I've listed it here for you :
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (NASB)
Am I patient? Kind? Jealous? Am i arrogant in my Christianity, or my Faith? Do I act unbecomingly? Seek my own will? Do i get angry at God? Do I (dare) hold things against God? Would I rather be unrighteous and feel justified or be righteous? Do I believe, hope, bear and endure all things, God?
It's a focus point I believe. I mean look at it. I'm not patient, for me two days is too long because Well, I want things on my time! And he Laughs! I demand my own will a lot! I may say, if you will it, but honestly I say under my breath, well of course you will it because it's what's best! (According to whom, often comes after but I try to suppress it.) I am a fool and Hold things against God (So and so is happy! They're not depressed! They get this they get that!) I get mad at God. And certainly there are times where I do not believe that He's doing what's best, and I wish to not endure but escape. Foolish of me isn't it?
So, it's a time to refocus. Do we Love God unconditionally or are their(?) Conditions to how we Love Him?
I mean, He loves us unconditionally. Enough to sacrifice His son. So . . . shouldn't we repay the favor?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Trust
Trust is something that has been hard to come by for me. Not in the aspect of being trusted, but in the actual act of trusting people. I've had too many people go behind my back and hurt me, too many people use things that broke me, against me. Yes, I know I've betrayed someone's trust as well, we all have, but in my experience I've just learned that sometimes it's better to not trust at all. Which leads to some problems that i thought would be easier to handle than others.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. . . "
That's been difficult for me, because I've even had my issues trusting God, lots of them actually. I've often thought that I could handle the situation adequately enough to where I didn't need to seek God in it, cause who knows maybe He'd screw me over as well. But when it comes down to it, I have consistently failed when I try on my own. I've ruined relationships, friendships, and opportunities. You'd think I woulda learned by now that I need to trust God. But there's a second aspect to that phrase/verse. That whole understanding part.
Cause from MY understanding I'M strong enough, I'M smart enough, and I'M good enough to get through what I gotta push through on my own. It's about me. It comes down to my pride, my foolish, selfish, childish pride. Because the fact of the matter is I have more moments of weakness than strength, and more moments of idiocy than of intelligence, and certainly less moments of being good enough than the alternative. See God understands those things. God knows me inside and out, he knit me in my mothers womb (Psalm 119). He knows everything about me. He even knows when I'm breaking, though I refuse to show it and acknowledge the possibility. He's got the understanding I need.
Not only is there this false understanding driven by my pride, but there's also the false understanding of things driven by my own low out look on my self. See I believe that the good things that come my way, are going to be taken away from me, cause I see in my past that it's appeared that way, though it wasn't always so. I see that the people who say they really care about me, and that love me, just lie to my face, or change in such a way that I couldn't see who they really were anymore. (Maybe it was me sometimes, but the big changes I've made have all been for better so I'm not complaining.) It's just hard to see the positive when the negative is plainer to see.
Biggest problem is, I've carried those things over and affected people that weren't out to hurt me, that weren't lying, and that were actually happy for me in the changes I've made, and that Changed along with me, for the better. Trust is still hard for me. Ask those closest to me, Kamila, Chuck, and Dani, and others they know it's obvious actually. I'm good at putting faces on, I've done it long enough to where I got it down when I want it. So, I'm trying to trust. I'm breaking to trust. Because that's what this is all about. You can't actually believe you love someone if you don't trust them. And I love my friends all of them. I'd do anything for them, just ask the one's I've picked up at 2am when I worked at 7. But it's been so hard to trust them. And I've even made some poor choices in friends because they simply weren't breaking my trust. They downtalked me, and the people I cared about, they treated me like garbage and never let up, but they weren't stabbing me in the back so I kept them around. It's hard to see it the way things are. That I've got to make some more changes. So, I guess it's time to shape up.
Time to Trust.
Time to Love.
Time to Have Faith
Time to believe that I'm loved and looked after.
Cause with the people closest to me, I've been blind in not seeing it already.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. . . "
That's been difficult for me, because I've even had my issues trusting God, lots of them actually. I've often thought that I could handle the situation adequately enough to where I didn't need to seek God in it, cause who knows maybe He'd screw me over as well. But when it comes down to it, I have consistently failed when I try on my own. I've ruined relationships, friendships, and opportunities. You'd think I woulda learned by now that I need to trust God. But there's a second aspect to that phrase/verse. That whole understanding part.
Cause from MY understanding I'M strong enough, I'M smart enough, and I'M good enough to get through what I gotta push through on my own. It's about me. It comes down to my pride, my foolish, selfish, childish pride. Because the fact of the matter is I have more moments of weakness than strength, and more moments of idiocy than of intelligence, and certainly less moments of being good enough than the alternative. See God understands those things. God knows me inside and out, he knit me in my mothers womb (Psalm 119). He knows everything about me. He even knows when I'm breaking, though I refuse to show it and acknowledge the possibility. He's got the understanding I need.
Not only is there this false understanding driven by my pride, but there's also the false understanding of things driven by my own low out look on my self. See I believe that the good things that come my way, are going to be taken away from me, cause I see in my past that it's appeared that way, though it wasn't always so. I see that the people who say they really care about me, and that love me, just lie to my face, or change in such a way that I couldn't see who they really were anymore. (Maybe it was me sometimes, but the big changes I've made have all been for better so I'm not complaining.) It's just hard to see the positive when the negative is plainer to see.
Biggest problem is, I've carried those things over and affected people that weren't out to hurt me, that weren't lying, and that were actually happy for me in the changes I've made, and that Changed along with me, for the better. Trust is still hard for me. Ask those closest to me, Kamila, Chuck, and Dani, and others they know it's obvious actually. I'm good at putting faces on, I've done it long enough to where I got it down when I want it. So, I'm trying to trust. I'm breaking to trust. Because that's what this is all about. You can't actually believe you love someone if you don't trust them. And I love my friends all of them. I'd do anything for them, just ask the one's I've picked up at 2am when I worked at 7. But it's been so hard to trust them. And I've even made some poor choices in friends because they simply weren't breaking my trust. They downtalked me, and the people I cared about, they treated me like garbage and never let up, but they weren't stabbing me in the back so I kept them around. It's hard to see it the way things are. That I've got to make some more changes. So, I guess it's time to shape up.
Time to Trust.
Time to Love.
Time to Have Faith
Time to believe that I'm loved and looked after.
Cause with the people closest to me, I've been blind in not seeing it already.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Future
Ever wake up with that feeling that everything was falling out from under you?
Yea, wish it went away when I woke up.
I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm told to finish school and keep going in what I'm doing. That's great. I mean I do think that I'd be great at being a teaching pastor and teaching Bible at a high school, yet I'm not always sold that I'm supposed to do that. I don't like school so why would I want to teach? I'm struggling to be who I should be. I can't seem to make the changes necessary to be who I'll need to be in order to do that right. Not that I'm doing anything terribly wrong but I'm not the typical picture of a pastor. I've really been debating dropping out of school and seeing if it's possible to get into the fire academy. I'd be good at it.
There's no secret that Many people can't picture me in ministry. And the responses I get from the parents and others is that those people don't really know my heart or that they don't really know me. My response typically is, maybe they know me better than you think. I'm not gentle, or all that kind. I struggle with things of Faith, in fact I wouldn't say I have a strong faith outside of a solid scripture knowledge. . . take away any aspect of the scripture and I go nuts Lose everything. It seems I put more faith in scripture than in Christ. maybe it's simply that I can see scripture, I can read it, I can touch it and I can't always do that with God. I have goals, things I'd like to do, typically encompassing the fact that I want to disciple young men into maturity. I hated how Bible was taught to me in High School, and I don't think we give today's youth enough credit, I believe we sell them short a lot. But am I the person to go and change that?
If I was truly meant to continue in ministry, would I have such doubts? Would I be able to question what I'm doing daily? Regardless of how good my worship was, or how difficult the day was the same questions come up again and again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting money, time, and energy. Yes I know that I can't truly waste time investing time in learning about God's word, but that doesn't make the thought go away.
I guess it comes to who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I want to serve God, but I'm not sure I'm able all the time certainly not sure I can when I'm in this state. . . So what do I do? I don't like this feeling at all.
Any thoughts? Ideas?
Yea, wish it went away when I woke up.
I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm told to finish school and keep going in what I'm doing. That's great. I mean I do think that I'd be great at being a teaching pastor and teaching Bible at a high school, yet I'm not always sold that I'm supposed to do that. I don't like school so why would I want to teach? I'm struggling to be who I should be. I can't seem to make the changes necessary to be who I'll need to be in order to do that right. Not that I'm doing anything terribly wrong but I'm not the typical picture of a pastor. I've really been debating dropping out of school and seeing if it's possible to get into the fire academy. I'd be good at it.
There's no secret that Many people can't picture me in ministry. And the responses I get from the parents and others is that those people don't really know my heart or that they don't really know me. My response typically is, maybe they know me better than you think. I'm not gentle, or all that kind. I struggle with things of Faith, in fact I wouldn't say I have a strong faith outside of a solid scripture knowledge. . . take away any aspect of the scripture and I go nuts Lose everything. It seems I put more faith in scripture than in Christ. maybe it's simply that I can see scripture, I can read it, I can touch it and I can't always do that with God. I have goals, things I'd like to do, typically encompassing the fact that I want to disciple young men into maturity. I hated how Bible was taught to me in High School, and I don't think we give today's youth enough credit, I believe we sell them short a lot. But am I the person to go and change that?
If I was truly meant to continue in ministry, would I have such doubts? Would I be able to question what I'm doing daily? Regardless of how good my worship was, or how difficult the day was the same questions come up again and again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting money, time, and energy. Yes I know that I can't truly waste time investing time in learning about God's word, but that doesn't make the thought go away.
I guess it comes to who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I want to serve God, but I'm not sure I'm able all the time certainly not sure I can when I'm in this state. . . So what do I do? I don't like this feeling at all.
Any thoughts? Ideas?
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