Today!

So, yea. Nothing profound today, my brain is fried from trying to be productive in the library on Thursday, yea that's right four days later and I'm still fried. But yea, anyways.

had a great weekend! Friday went to work at the star, that was weird going back but w/e I made decent Money, Prolly be back this weekend to make extra cash. I went to movies with Jen and Chuck and Dani. Fighting was a good movie I like it. Then we just chilled and Saturday ahh i attempted to work on my Philosophy class, yea that didn't work out well at all. Then i went to BWW with Dani to watch the draft that was cool, then we went to church and Chilled with her mom and brother and peoples. It was cool. Then today I slept in, and came back to school early and did nothing productive what so ever! it was great! lol. O well.

I was talking to a friend and I said this in regards to how one acts and I thought about how I've used it in my past to stand up when I get knocked down.

When we use our past as an excuse to be mediocre or to be bitter and mean and what not, we actually lose. We think that because it's not worse that we're winning and advancing but we're not. It's when we use our past as a booster to step up and be better that we win. If we simply let our past dictate how we are, and that response isn't a better response than our past, then we accomplish nothing. Be Better. Better than your painful past, Better than your sin, Better than our previous lives before Christ. Be Better.

Groove

So today after I went to the gym, and had a very disheartening workout, I decided to take out the bike and go for a ride down the lake shore. It was a great ride, not too long about 10 miles or so a little under an hour total on the bike, and as I was on the way back weaving in and out of traffic on Oak Street I thought about how it felt to hit the work out groove. We've all done it, I mean if you 've ever worked out consistently you have been in that zone before. It's the best feeling durin the workout, the part where you feel like you can keep going for hours.

I hit that going north on the lake shore path. It was incredible I was flying down the path and when I got to the point where I figured I'd best turn around ( ya know that point where you have no idea where you are, and that figure in the distance that looks soo small used to look enormous, yea there.) So that part got me thinkin, I was cruisin along so well that I forgot where I was, I had progress so well that i didn't care where I was. I enjoyed the ride more than anything. I started to think about our faith, that we sometimes get into this groove, this zone where we just grow closer to the Lord and we walk side by side with him and it's all good. We just keep cruising, and I said a quick prayer asking God to quench my thirst for that Closeness with him, to keep me that close to Him that I no longer care where I'm going cause I'm with him. I thought about the passage where Paul talks about finishing the race strong, and I was like oh this is easy! and i turned around and started the ride back to Oak street to go back to campus.

Now the wind at the lake shore is bi polar. By that I mean one way it loves you, pushes you and wants to help you, but when you go the other way, it wants to see you fall and see you wear down. Now at the start of my work out, at about 430 I swam 500yds, now I know to some that may not be alot, but a third of a mile (give or take) is a long distance for a guy who just started swimming longer than a 12 by 12 pool k, thanks. My knees were burning, but going north I didn't even care, I just wanted to keep going. On th way back, i wanted to stop. It hurt so much more, I had to dig twice as much to go the same speed, I went from flying down the path, to the same pace an old lady rides her bike on a calm spring day. I was pissed. I had to try extra hard to get the same results. It brought be back to that passage about finishing well the race before us. Sometimes we get it easy and we get spoiled. I mean sometimes we get into a situation like a trial or a rough patch, and we just cruise on through like it's nothing. And other times, we get stuck, we don't wanna go on, and we feel like quitting. Finish well the race.

Finishing well is something the director at the camp I go to used to say all the time. That his goal was to enable us to Finish well. Our faith is definitely not the easy road in this life. cause like think about, we're called to die to ourselves, to our desires, and live out God's desires in us. Now I'm a firm believer, out of experience, that God's desires turn into our desires as we seek his face. But our worldly desires never go away, Yes i want to teach youth the Gospel and how to live out a faith that reflects the love of our great and amazing savior (amen!) but I also want a Corvette ZR1. (or a 1969 Stingray take your pick) But i know that God's desire in my life is going to be far more fulfilling than that car would be. His desires became my desires. That's not easy. it's hard. I wanted to be a marine for so long! and then a trainer cause I knew the money I could make. And now I'm going to make a fraction of that, and I love it. I welcome it. It wasn't easy getting to this point, ask either of my youth pastors, but I'm so glad I'm here now. I'm on the road to finishing well.

The wind had picked up and I was struggling but out of no where came a second wind and I picked up my pace. It was a reminder to me that when things get really difficult in our walk with the LORD he's going to pick us up if we can't do it on our own. he wants to. He longs for us to allow him to step in and take control. He'll set us back down in our groove when he's done too, there's no stopping or slowing down, He drops us in the best place possible and we keep on trucking.

When I saw the end coming up on the path, the signs of Oak and the familiar buildings I picked up the pace. I dug in and peddled hard and tried as hard as I could to fly again. I did all I could to finish well. I got back into my groove, into my zone. I was determined to Finish well. I did (at least in my eyes). So dig hard, make it happen. Dig down deep and put everything you have into finishing well. Don't stop for anything!


Find you're groove.

Discipline

It's kinda funny at times, how it often seems during a certain season in life the sermons, the lessons, the readings all seem to meet you where you are. Like it almost seems like everything is just for you, a great feeling really.

Lately I've been listening to sermons, reading books and passages, and being reminded that I'm at a point of discipline in my walk with the LORD right now. I've been ignoring a glaring sin in my life, and now I'm being disciplined for it. It's not like it's a horrible thing, in fact it's the opposite it's a great thing, a timely thing, a needed thing. It just surprises me that I didn't actually think it would come to this, at least not now, but here it is and well. . . I've learned to welcome it.

For class we're reading a book, "The Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson, and I came to a part about discipline in the believers life, and he talked about these three distinct ways, or degrees, in which God disciplines those he loves. The first being a rebuke, like a verbal warning, or in Bruce's case the look from his mother, it always scared him into place, but when it didn't it went further. It's equated to a timely word from a brother, or a scripture passage that causes conviction, or just a conviction caused by the Holy Spirit. It's the beginning, it's as far as we'd all like to go if we could choose when to stop.

Chastising was the second "degree" of discipline (all based on a passage in Hebrews). This Bruce pointed out was his father sending him to his room without dinner, thus taking away pleasures like family time and food and desert. It wasn't punishment, it wasn't hurting him, it was just taking away something that was pleasurable to him in order to make him see that how he was acting was wrong. Been there, felt that, don't want to go there again. I've known many christians who have been chastised by the LORD and have mistaken it for a trial or an issue with the enemy, because well it hurts that bad sometimes.

The last one is dreadful to consider at times, but it is scourging. This was the actual spanking for Bruce. But scripture says (I beleive in corinithians) that the sins of the people have even led to their sickness and death. Or look at the story of Ananais and Saphria in acts they were killed by the LORD right there for their sin. I certainly hope for the sake of myself and those whom I'm close with that we all repent and turn from our sin before we get into this stage.

With all that comes the realization that God does discipline us, he doesn't necessarily punish us, he doesn't do us harm but he will discipline us. It's like a father spanking a child, or taking away their phone, that's discipline. He loves the child, and recognizes that the child needs it in order to live the right away and to steer clear of things that are going to cause him harm down the line. The same is true with the Heavenly father. If I was not in this season of discipline things would be incrediably different, but now after realizing that it's discipline and not a trial things are better. It's easier to see the good in all this because it's all for the better. Yes discipline and trials are similiar both are for the building up of our relationship with God, but they have different motives. Trials are to build us up, often out of times of great closeness to God. Discipline, that's to correct a sin, an on doing sin in our lives. It was about time for me to come around and actually make the changes necessary, make the decision to defeat what I'm wrestling with, I still wish the cost of it would have been less but hey, it took that much to get me to make the change so I'm just glad I am determined more than ever now to make that change.

We don't like being disciplined when we're a child, we don't like when we're believers because we rarely recognize it as something that's good and needed, instead we hold out against it and respond with anger. It's easier to be subject to discipline if we don't look at it as a thing we have to deal with and as a thing we grow angry with, but instead look at it as a gift. A gift from a Father who wants nothign short of the best fo us every moment that we're alive, a gift that steers us in the right direction all the time.

Be open to discipline.
Thoughts??

Depression

I was always told growing up that Jesus always knew what we were going through. He knew what it was like to be rejected, to be disappointed, to be alone, to be tempted, even to fail (to a degree). I always wondered though if he experienced the same type of depression as I did and do. I mean, I know he knows far more stress than I do, he sweat blood in Gethsemane before he was crucified, He knows what stress is like. But my question is does he know was depression is like??

I know that depression is often described as a mental thing we just need to get over, especially as christians. I've often heard people confront believers that have depression because they didn't think that they could have it if they truly loved the LORD. What a bunch of crap. Depression is something the Enemy uses in his never ending quest to separate us from God as much as possible. Because he knows that if he can create separation between us and the Father, or Christ, or the Spirit for that matter, that he will have an easier time of influencing us. He's going to be able to convince us that what we're doing isn't that bad, or that nothing matters. (as often is the feeling for the depressed) He's going to do everything to tell us that our life is insignificant and that we should just give up. It's not as if the "great" saints of the past didn't deal with this, I mean Elijah wanted to die, he prayed the Lord take his life in the wilderness just hours after he won a great victory over the false priests and their god. It's safe to say that Peter probably suffered from a bought of depression after he denied Christ three times during the trials. But once again, what about christ.

I was told when I was younger that Christ feels what we feel, that He knows all our experiences and that he's been there. I look through scripture and I see where he faces everything, but I don't always see that one thing specifically. I mean I have yet to find a passage that talks about Christ being in a situation where he could have slipped sexually with a women (though some have linked this to the women at the well and the cultural ties to that day but I don't make that connection so easily) but maybe while on the cross christ would have suffered through some depression. I mean, the wrath of God was thrown on him, he was then forsaken by the one person we are all promised won't forsake us. Maybe he does understand. Maybe he knew exactly what it felt like, when his close friend died, (Lazarus), or when his followers deserted him leaving him only with the twelve, or when he was betrayed by one of the few that stuck with him, or when the people who days earlier had cried out to him as their messiah were now crying for him to die the most horrible death of that day.

Maybe he felt alone, and hated, and weak, and like he failed. Maybe he suffered depression before and during the cross. But, I guarantee he didn't have that type of thought after the resurrection. In fact, I'm willing to be that that whole event was what kept him going at times. Knowing that He was getting the privilege of bringing supreme glory to the father kept him going, maybe knowing that the resurrection was going to bring about an end to death as we knew it, and bring about new life like we couldn't even imagine. Maybe that kept him going. Maybe looking to the father kept him going, looking to what the Father was going to do. He kept looking up. Even in his prayer at the garden he says if this is your will then let it be done. He focused on the father and the father's will and He was able to let go of his own feeling for it.

Looking forward, looking up, looking at the light, looking to the Father is going to get us through anything we go through. Any temptation to believe we have nothing left and that we should just give up and die, the father will bring us out of. he's got our best in mind, he's going to protect us, he's going to preserve us, he's going to bless us. He is not going to let depression rule our lives. We can rise out of it. As someone whose gone through it before, and has recently battled it again I know this to be truth. God is wonderful counselor, as much as he is healer, and savior. He's willing to counsel you through depression as he's done me. Look to his word for encouragement.

I hope this helps someone out there. Thinking that Jesus really did go through some depression helped me to realize that handing it over to him is practical and useful.

I had this grand vision of what this particular blog would be like, and It's not quite there, IDK how to make it better but this is what came out of my heart today.




The silver lining looks better and better when we keep finding more and more of it. The picture it creates is enough to keep us moving along sometimes. Hold onto it.

Waiting

Waiting is not something our culture does very well. I noticed this one day a while back while waiting for a train on my way back from PCM. There was an announcement played over the loud speaker about how the trains were going to be running late for alittle while and then the one that was next would be express. She began to yell and scream profanities at the PA system, almost like it controlled the outcome of her life. She got so mad, simply because she had to wait another 5 minutes. What I see more so for me is in restaurants, seeing that I work in one. People are so impatient (btw don't be a jerk at a restaurant, simply tell us that you're going to see a movie, or you have to catch a train, dont say hurry up all the time cause most of us won't). I had a table two weekends ago that was very impatient, we have time limits for getting drinks on the tables, for greeting, for everything and it wasn't fast enough for them. They complained that they waited for 10 minutes for drinks, that they didn't get their food for an hour, that they were in a hurry and weren't getting good enough service. It angered me, a table of 12 people complaining that drinks took too long, when they had to put in two seperate orders because they all decided they wanted something different, and then to say their food took an hour, when they were in and out of the restaurant in under 65 minutes. Naturally they got most of their bill taken care of, but to make things worse they stiffed me on the tip! All because of impatience, and perhaps a tinge of greed in knowing how to work the system.

Impatience. It fuels car accidents, road rage, horrible service and hostile words. People as a whole, hate waiting. I'm guilty of this too, I hate waiting in lines that shouldn't be that long, and in traffic! But it's a part of life, and a part that can sometimes be good for us, it teaches us to slow down and realize the world doesn't revolve around us. But more so, with patience and waiting for me is the topic of waiting on the LORD. That's something we as Christians are horrible at. We always want it now, and want it our way. We'll like Sarah and Abraham. They waited on God to give them a child and it didn't come in their time so they did it themselves and created Ishmael. God was furious with this, but still even in their unfaithfulness they were given a child exactly how the LORD said they would be. Had they waited a whole slew of problems would not have came up.

We do that today too, we don't wait so we're like Abraham and we force it. I forced a relationship in my past, forced it to start before it was ready to, because I felt I was ready. I was wrong, and because of that I'm not in that relationship anylonger , I forced it, I made it happen and it was the wrong way. Had I waited on the LORD the first time around things may be different now, but here I am sitting waiting again. This time, I'm getting comfortable. Not too comfortable, but enough to the point where I'm okay with waiting on the LORDS time for this. It's not my time, that's for sure, but I've proved already that my time is often the Wrong time.

Waiting has its benefits though too, Isaiah says that those who wait on the LORD will rise up on wings like eagles. Waiting can help us to rise. That's not something we typically relate with one another, especially in our culture where we're taught that you have to make it happen or it won't. That's not at all what Scripture says. Scripture Says Wait! Figure out the Will of God and wait on his timing. If you can't figure out his Will at that moment, you're waiting has just begun. Wait.

The next hardest thing about this process is not becoming complacent. Don't get so involved in the waiting that when the time comes to jump, to step forward, to fall back, that you don't because you're too secure in you're waiting. When the time comes Jump, go forward, do what God has revealed to you to do. But don't do it before it's time.

Wait.

It's hard but we can do it. Jesus had to wait to be crucified it didn't just happen, we have to wait to enter into God's glory, we all have to wait on the Lord at some point of our lives. I'm waiting right now. Anxiously awaiting the end of this trial and the end of this process, yet welcoming the waiting none the less. Take the time to grow closer to God, seek His will, seek His face, and dwell in Him for that time especially.

Wait, then when the time is just right, when God reveals it to you, don't hesitate to Jump.

Wait with me?

Forgiveness

It's been weird lately, still. Complicated, hard, confusing, but it's working it's way towards being good, maybe even great. I'm sure that the choices I've made are for the better, and that they are going to be proven to be the best ones for me, however I wish they would be proven that now and that the pain and discomfort that they brought would be finished with would simply dissipate. It's not something that's going to happen over night, I know that. I just wish it would come soon because I liked the feeling of being secure and safe and wanted. It's going to be good though. Great though. This is all for the better. It's all going to be better because of this.

On to the Topic on hand. Forgiveness

Easter was yesterday and that always brings up the sermons on forgiveness and how we've been redeemed through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I love that, though it's hard for me. It's been hard for me to forgive people I care about. People that are still in my life, that I erased from my life, and even myself sometimes. That's partially what my whole situation is about, the fact that I can't forgive and it's tearing me apart. It's making me think things that I shouldn't be. It's keeping this bitterness and this anger inside when it should be gone by now. I mean, the thing happened two years ago, and if nothing else at the end of it I was the one still around, I was the one that came out on top, yet I still hold a grudge against it. It's horrible.

My mom used to say that in that particular event I won, I believe she's wrong. Because two years later, it's still one of the biggest issues I have to conquer every day. To wake up and make the decision daily to not hate, but to forgive and realizing how often I fail at that. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to forgive the friend that hurt me so badly, that hurt the person I cared about so badly, and I'm also trying to forgive that person too for unintentionally hurting me even more. I'm sorry to you both. I'm sorry to everyone involved that I mistreated, that I erased, because well it's about time I manned up and forgave the situation.

More over, I have to ask forgiveness too. Forgiveness for the bitterness I hold against you both, the anger that wells up inside me sometimes spills over. I'm sorry for hurting you, for talking trash, and for putting you down. I'm sorry for dragging you along behind me since that summer and not letting go of the pain that was with it. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

Jesus forgave me on the Cross 2000 years ago, for everything I would do. For all the mistakes, the evil words, thoughts and actions, for my doubts and my anger, yet I can't do that?? He died to forgive me that day, to forgive all who are willing to come to Him in fact, and I can't let go of this event. I mean, as far as the east is from the west so are the our sins from the Mind of God. Two years ago I was hurt and I drag it along with me today, yet the Father who had His Son die to forgive us has tossed aside our transgressions. Little pathetic on my part no?? I love the phrase and idea of dieing to ourselves daily in order to be like Christ. So, I'm making the effort to die daily and forgive those who hurt me. (It feels alot better than holding the grudge, like a weight lifted)

There's one more person I have to forgive, and this one is the hardest of all. I have to forgive myself. I am allowed to give myself grace when it comes down to it. I'm not good at that, that's very easily seen. I'm success orientated, if I lose then I'm immediately a failure, if I struggle than I'm immediately a failure. I never give myself grace. It's about time. Time to forgive myself for the things I've done, and let go of my own bitterness towards me. I'm allowed to make mistakes, it's inevitably going to happen, it's just a matter of how we respond. Do we hate and get angry when we screw up and continue to remember that mistake until it eats us alive and causes us to doubt ourselves, our Love, and our God? Or do we stand up when we fall, do we press forward and make the difference because we won't be stopped. The path of God is forgiveness, the path of the enemy is hate and malice and bitterness. I'm tired of trying to live a life reflecting Christ, yet give the enemy such a great foothold into my life. Even if it is geared at myself. So, I'm extending myself grace for the things I've said (even this week), the things I've done (Even this weekend) for the things I've thought (daily), for the many mistakes I've made with my relationships and people who I chose to surround myself with. Of course It'll take time to completely let go of, but hey, I'm not alone right? This is going to work.

Even thinking this, reading this over, realizing that the process has begun is a weight lifted.

Funny how forgiving is harder for us than begrudging is, yet the Yoke that Christ gives us is light and easy... because just because it's easier for the moment doesn't make it easier in the Long run. It would have been a much better two years if I had just forgiven this whole thing then. It would have been a much better few years, if I could have just forgiven myself then. Either way, it's gone today.

I've died in this manner today, I hope to die to this world more and more each day. Would you come with me?