Sunday, October 18, 2009


Trust is something that has been hard to come by for me. Not in the aspect of being trusted, but in the actual act of trusting people. I've had too many people go behind my back and hurt me, too many people use things that broke me, against me. Yes, I know I've betrayed someone's trust as well, we all have, but in my experience I've just learned that sometimes it's better to not trust at all. Which leads to some problems that i thought would be easier to handle than others.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. . . "

That's been difficult for me, because I've even had my issues trusting God, lots of them actually. I've often thought that I could handle the situation adequately enough to where I didn't need to seek God in it, cause who knows maybe He'd screw me over as well. But when it comes down to it, I have consistently failed when I try on my own. I've ruined relationships, friendships, and opportunities. You'd think I woulda learned by now that I need to trust God. But there's a second aspect to that phrase/verse. That whole understanding part.

Cause from MY understanding I'M strong enough, I'M smart enough, and I'M good enough to get through what I gotta push through on my own. It's about me. It comes down to my pride, my foolish, selfish, childish pride. Because the fact of the matter is I have more moments of weakness than strength, and more moments of idiocy than of intelligence, and certainly less moments of being good enough than the alternative. See God understands those things. God knows me inside and out, he knit me in my mothers womb (Psalm 119). He knows everything about me. He even knows when I'm breaking, though I refuse to show it and acknowledge the possibility. He's got the understanding I need.

Not only is there this false understanding driven by my pride, but there's also the false understanding of things driven by my own low out look on my self. See I believe that the good things that come my way, are going to be taken away from me, cause I see in my past that it's appeared that way, though it wasn't always so. I see that the people who say they really care about me, and that love me, just lie to my face, or change in such a way that I couldn't see who they really were anymore. (Maybe it was me sometimes, but the big changes I've made have all been for better so I'm not complaining.) It's just hard to see the positive when the negative is plainer to see.

Biggest problem is, I've carried those things over and affected people that weren't out to hurt me, that weren't lying, and that were actually happy for me in the changes I've made, and that Changed along with me, for the better. Trust is still hard for me. Ask those closest to me, Kamila, Chuck, and Dani, and others they know it's obvious actually. I'm good at putting faces on, I've done it long enough to where I got it down when I want it. So, I'm trying to trust. I'm breaking to trust. Because that's what this is all about. You can't actually believe you love someone if you don't trust them. And I love my friends all of them. I'd do anything for them, just ask the one's I've picked up at 2am when I worked at 7. But it's been so hard to trust them. And I've even made some poor choices in friends because they simply weren't breaking my trust. They downtalked me, and the people I cared about, they treated me like garbage and never let up, but they weren't stabbing me in the back so I kept them around. It's hard to see it the way things are. That I've got to make some more changes. So, I guess it's time to shape up.

Time to Trust.
Time to Love.
Time to Have Faith
Time to believe that I'm loved and looked after.

Cause with the people closest to me, I've been blind in not seeing it already.