Friday, December 4, 2009

1 Cor 13.4

Love and Peace have eluded me for a few weeks now. In fact it's been longer than that, but it's typically been in spurts. I'm over anxious, angry, I feel alone, unloved, unlovable and deserted. Oddly enough a line from a movie made me wonder, the line basically says that if I were the enemy I'd want you feeling alone and abandoned. It's how I feel.

I've also come to the conclusion that I know God is love. So if I don't feel Love, of any kind, am I also not feeling God? I asked myself this and decided that I'm an idiot. I've tried to do this alone, to "man up" when I should really be leaning on others, and crashing to my knees before the LORD. Why should I have to go it alone? I mean I'm not alone. I said earlier today, that God said it was not good for man to be alone, and truly I am not alone, I have others here at school, at home and afar that love me, pray for me, and help me when I need it, and yet I feel utterly alone. It's crap that I've let the Enemy place in my head.

I'm loved.
Unconditionally, I'm loved.

I've looked over the passage on Love in first Corinthians 13 many times. Looked at it to help me love the person I was seeing at one point in time, used it to affirm the fact that this one Lately is a different type of love. The same love that God shares for his church, for truly that must be the meaning of the passage, or at least a theme. I've read it again and finished with this question. Do I love God Unconditionally??

I've listed it here for you :
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (NASB)

Am I patient? Kind? Jealous? Am i arrogant in my Christianity, or my Faith? Do I act unbecomingly? Seek my own will? Do i get angry at God? Do I (dare) hold things against God? Would I rather be unrighteous and feel justified or be righteous? Do I believe, hope, bear and endure all things, God?

It's a focus point I believe. I mean look at it. I'm not patient, for me two days is too long because Well, I want things on my time! And he Laughs! I demand my own will a lot! I may say, if you will it, but honestly I say under my breath, well of course you will it because it's what's best! (According to whom, often comes after but I try to suppress it.) I am a fool and Hold things against God (So and so is happy! They're not depressed! They get this they get that!) I get mad at God. And certainly there are times where I do not believe that He's doing what's best, and I wish to not endure but escape. Foolish of me isn't it?

So, it's a time to refocus. Do we Love God unconditionally or are their(?) Conditions to how we Love Him?

I mean, He loves us unconditionally. Enough to sacrifice His son. So . . . shouldn't we repay the favor?

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Trust is something that has been hard to come by for me. Not in the aspect of being trusted, but in the actual act of trusting people. I've had too many people go behind my back and hurt me, too many people use things that broke me, against me. Yes, I know I've betrayed someone's trust as well, we all have, but in my experience I've just learned that sometimes it's better to not trust at all. Which leads to some problems that i thought would be easier to handle than others.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. . . "

That's been difficult for me, because I've even had my issues trusting God, lots of them actually. I've often thought that I could handle the situation adequately enough to where I didn't need to seek God in it, cause who knows maybe He'd screw me over as well. But when it comes down to it, I have consistently failed when I try on my own. I've ruined relationships, friendships, and opportunities. You'd think I woulda learned by now that I need to trust God. But there's a second aspect to that phrase/verse. That whole understanding part.

Cause from MY understanding I'M strong enough, I'M smart enough, and I'M good enough to get through what I gotta push through on my own. It's about me. It comes down to my pride, my foolish, selfish, childish pride. Because the fact of the matter is I have more moments of weakness than strength, and more moments of idiocy than of intelligence, and certainly less moments of being good enough than the alternative. See God understands those things. God knows me inside and out, he knit me in my mothers womb (Psalm 119). He knows everything about me. He even knows when I'm breaking, though I refuse to show it and acknowledge the possibility. He's got the understanding I need.

Not only is there this false understanding driven by my pride, but there's also the false understanding of things driven by my own low out look on my self. See I believe that the good things that come my way, are going to be taken away from me, cause I see in my past that it's appeared that way, though it wasn't always so. I see that the people who say they really care about me, and that love me, just lie to my face, or change in such a way that I couldn't see who they really were anymore. (Maybe it was me sometimes, but the big changes I've made have all been for better so I'm not complaining.) It's just hard to see the positive when the negative is plainer to see.

Biggest problem is, I've carried those things over and affected people that weren't out to hurt me, that weren't lying, and that were actually happy for me in the changes I've made, and that Changed along with me, for the better. Trust is still hard for me. Ask those closest to me, Kamila, Chuck, and Dani, and others they know it's obvious actually. I'm good at putting faces on, I've done it long enough to where I got it down when I want it. So, I'm trying to trust. I'm breaking to trust. Because that's what this is all about. You can't actually believe you love someone if you don't trust them. And I love my friends all of them. I'd do anything for them, just ask the one's I've picked up at 2am when I worked at 7. But it's been so hard to trust them. And I've even made some poor choices in friends because they simply weren't breaking my trust. They downtalked me, and the people I cared about, they treated me like garbage and never let up, but they weren't stabbing me in the back so I kept them around. It's hard to see it the way things are. That I've got to make some more changes. So, I guess it's time to shape up.

Time to Trust.
Time to Love.
Time to Have Faith
Time to believe that I'm loved and looked after.

Cause with the people closest to me, I've been blind in not seeing it already.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Ever wake up with that feeling that everything was falling out from under you?

Yea, wish it went away when I woke up.

I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm told to finish school and keep going in what I'm doing. That's great. I mean I do think that I'd be great at being a teaching pastor and teaching Bible at a high school, yet I'm not always sold that I'm supposed to do that. I don't like school so why would I want to teach? I'm struggling to be who I should be. I can't seem to make the changes necessary to be who I'll need to be in order to do that right. Not that I'm doing anything terribly wrong but I'm not the typical picture of a pastor. I've really been debating dropping out of school and seeing if it's possible to get into the fire academy. I'd be good at it.

There's no secret that Many people can't picture me in ministry. And the responses I get from the parents and others is that those people don't really know my heart or that they don't really know me. My response typically is, maybe they know me better than you think. I'm not gentle, or all that kind. I struggle with things of Faith, in fact I wouldn't say I have a strong faith outside of a solid scripture knowledge. . . take away any aspect of the scripture and I go nuts Lose everything. It seems I put more faith in scripture than in Christ. maybe it's simply that I can see scripture, I can read it, I can touch it and I can't always do that with God. I have goals, things I'd like to do, typically encompassing the fact that I want to disciple young men into maturity. I hated how Bible was taught to me in High School, and I don't think we give today's youth enough credit, I believe we sell them short a lot. But am I the person to go and change that?

If I was truly meant to continue in ministry, would I have such doubts? Would I be able to question what I'm doing daily? Regardless of how good my worship was, or how difficult the day was the same questions come up again and again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting money, time, and energy. Yes I know that I can't truly waste time investing time in learning about God's word, but that doesn't make the thought go away.

I guess it comes to who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I want to serve God, but I'm not sure I'm able all the time certainly not sure I can when I'm in this state. . . So what do I do? I don't like this feeling at all.

Any thoughts? Ideas?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Heart pt 2

Different things have been put on my heart lately. People, ideas, goals, things that I've really had to come to grips with where they may not be be exactly as they seem. There's particularly been a lot of people that I've been praying for a lot, people that God has put on my heart because I can see a need for more of him in their lives. Not that they don't have him, but sometimes they have difficulty doing what he asks. It's been hard seeing people I love stray from the path he has, and from the way he wants them to be. It breaks my heart in fact. I don't mean this to be offensive, or to tell you all that you're evil people or anything like that. I just want you to know that i'm praying for you. And I hope you're praying for me. There's days where I'm not what I seem either, where I'm a fool and go my own way instead of the way that God wants me to go. In fact it's a constant struggle.

Everyday i deal with the fact that it seems as if a war is taking place within my soul. That part of me desperately wants to serve the Savior that paid my price, that i want o please him alone and that I know doing this will is how I can accomplish that. Being Holy, living as Christ would live, 1 John 1:6 says: "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet wlak in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." It's a hard realization, and it's not something I like to hear. That I'm not living out the truth that I long to share and to teach people. That I'm not receiving the opportunities or blessings that I could because I'm still stuck in my sin. It rips me apart knowing that there's more, there's better and I can have it, but I'm the one that's holding myself back. I'm the one lying to people, I'm the one doubting, I'm the one believing the Garbage that the Enemy has put into my head. It sucks.

I want you guys to know my heart, I want you to know that I love each and everyone of you. That I have had the pleasure of seeing God work in your life, and I've seen you wrestle with Him as well. I've seen you fail and succeed just as most of you have seen me fail and succeed. I pray for victory for all of you, and for myself. I pray that you receive the blessings due to those who give honor, praise, and who faithfully serve our Savior, our LORD, our Daddy. He's great, powerful, mighty, Holy, Just, Worthy, I can keep going and fill an entire volume of books with the things that He is that make him who He is.

If you wanna talk I"m here. If I made you mad, tell me. But above everything Know I'm praying for you. That i want to see you guys Walk in the Light. It's a great thing to walk in the light. Everything is better. The cloud doesn't have a silver lining when you walk in the light. it's made of precious jewels and gold. When I'm walking in the light and close with God I Love better, (Ask Dani) I serve better, I have more energy, I'm blessed more, I can come to better realization about God. Everything is better, even the bad doesn't seem bad when I'm walking Hand in Hand with God.

My Final word, we all have sin in our life, we all have something to deal with, as God Told Joshua in Joshua 7:13 (though a lose translation) there is sin in your camp, (life) Rise up, and deal with it, then you will be blessed. Take a stand with me, put on your armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) And fight. We're not meant to be weak, we're meant to stand strong for the Lord is our Foundation, our healer, and our Warrior who fights on our behalf. Be encouraged cause the war was won on the Cross, Jesus crushed Satan and while the battles are still waging, and they hard don't forget that, the war is won which means the Battles can be as well.

Email or text or call anytime. I love you all. Be blessed.

Dare to be Loved.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Reclaiming Ground

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my dreams, my goals, the things that I desire, the things that Drive me. It's been a time of self evaluation. Some of it good, and some of it terrible. It's hard to think that I can want something that would be detrimental to what I truly want to do.

It's an expression of this battle that's waging with in me. This battle that is the world fighting to come forward, and then the God that I serve claiming ground that is already his. My dreams, my Goals, my Desires are grounds that God owns. They are things that he has complete control over, when I'm On. By being "on" I mean to say when I'm making an effort, when I'm walking in the Light ( 1 John 1) when I'm sincerely taking steps to grow closer to God. When I'm on. It's a beautiful thing. I trust that though I'm stretched thin I'll find rest, and even abundance. I believe that what I got is a good thing, it's a blessing and a strength. I love like no tomorrow. When I'm on I love God, my Family, my Friends, and Dani like there's no tomorrow. Funny, how when I'm close to God I over flow with love. . . isn't that the general idea? It's not a new concept to me, just a newer experience. It's a good thing. Something I wish I could do every day. Yet, I'm human so I fail. But I don't have to. I don't have to fail.

And I certainly and sick and tired of thinking that all I can do is fail. Its garbage. Satan is telling me that all I can do is fail. That I'm not good enough. Started with trust, telling me that noone can love me as my heart desires, that I can't be trusted to love like someone deserves or wants. He told me I wasn't going to do what I love, that I couldn't stand under the weight of what I really wanted to do So I quit. He's told me before that I'm going to fail at ministry, that I'm going to be nothing. I know it's him telling me that because God wouldn't tell me I'm going to fail at ministry, he'd simply change my ministry direction into something that I'm going to succeed at. This is where my heart is. Teaching Truth. Living every day to grow to be more like Christ. Living within the knowledge of the Grace that I don't deserve.

I'm done looking at myself as a failure. And I'm certainly done looking back and saying that God is the reason I have not done the things I love, or why things failed when I desperately wanted them to succeed. I blame myself and my gullibility for my failures, for believing that I couldn't do it. I'm jumping over a fence and I like the view on this side.

Jump with me? Come over? See how God can work in your life when you Let Go and acknowledge that He is Supreme, Sovereign, Loving, Kind, Good, Holy, and Perfect LORD. Come Grow closer to God with me, walk with me through the Light. And tell Satan to Go to Hell.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Armed and Ready

Over the summer I had the chance to work once again at Bair Lake Bible Camp as member of the senior staff. It was amazing. The fellowship, the teaching, the worship, the work, everything about it I loved. It was tough though, I had to work through some things that were definitely of spiritual nature. Feelings of not being good enough to work there, that I shouldn't be there, that the things I held closest were going to fall away. It was . . . ridiculous for me to think those things, because they didn't have any solid base on them. It was all lies that were trying to get me to fail and to give up so I couldn't do what I was there to do.

It was the best summer ever.

I grew so much closer to my LORD, I grew in my knowledge of a basic concept that we often forget, I grew closer to Danielle (and she was hours away!), I made a stand and fought for the right things, and most of all I was able to take up the armor of God in the way it was meant to be taken up. And that is probably the biggest thing that changed in me this summer, I figured out how to really use that armor to the fullest capabilities.

I wanted to touch that today, to explain that in my life now. First off I'll start at the top and work down. Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about the armor of God in all of it's components. I'll start with the Helmet of salvation which has been a huge help to me because it keeps reminding me that I have been given salvation, that the price was paid by someone that was capable of paying it because I am not. It reminds me that I need to be humble in my thinking about myself, yet realizing at the same time that I'm truly worth something because of what Christ has achieved in me.
Secondly the breast plate of righteous ness. It's so cool to hear that this isn't putting on our own righteous ness but Christ's it's getting up everyday and doing everything we can to be more like Christ. It helps steer us from sin, as well as keep sus honest about how we are meant to live.
The Belt of truth as easy for me, the truth is something I hope I never go away from in my teaching. Truth is truth, no matter what. There are certain truthes that are fought against today, but that doesn't mean they are not true, it just means that people are blind to them. I learned that "Truth" Is more than scriptures. It's also the things that are true, I'm saved, I'm a beloved child of God, I'm a servant, and even a Saint for the LORD. Things that Cannot be taken away from me. Truth, is what I long to hold on to.
The shield of faith was huge for me, knowing that it is truly the community of believers coming together and protecting each other. It's the ability to withstand peril and the devil because you have people around you pushing you to be better, and filling in the holes where you can't. It's having a church family, a set of people around you to lift you up in prayer to the LORD.
The sword of the Spirit. Ahh! what an amazing defensive weapon we have. We have the ability to pull scripture out every time we get tempted, and every time we can feel the Devil trying to get at us. As Josh Put it, when the devil has us by our throats we can take out our small sword and put it through his side and win the battle. It's amazing to think, but honestly it's worked!! So often since being home I've had scripture pop into my head that has helped me stay pure and think Holy things, or think about God instead of myself. It's incrediably powerful
Last but certainly not least. The Shoes of the Preparation of the Gospel of Peace. The thing that I most took away is that the Gospel is not merely for people who don't know God. It's for us too. I used the analagy of chains, for the person who does not know God, the Gospel releases those chains to sin and sets him free. For me, the believer, the Gospel reminds me that I was released, but also and more importantly that I'm in process of being healed by the grace of God. That the wounds that were left behind by the chains will fade, the affects may always be there, and there will be scars, but I won't have to go through life with that Pain because Christ has taken it away.

This one's long, I apologize but It's a good one I believe.

God Bless.

OH and for you guys too, read Isaiah 57, it talks about Jesus putting on his armour. . . soooo Cool!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Even while I was at camp this summer I had some doubts running through my mind and they bothered me the entire time that I was there. They would battle back into my mind each and every time I though that I had them Subdued. It was incredibly difficult to go about the work that I had to do while I was at camp with those doubts in my head. Doubts about God's love, about my career path, about Danielle, about friends and school. Stupid things that I had once turned over to the Lord to Handle, yet it appears at some point that I came and took them back.

It came to me that I never truly gave them over to the Lord, I just put them there at the foot of the cross and walked away. That's the problem, I never handed them to the Lord, I never let Him take them and toss them away, to separate them from me completely. And then to make matters worse I walked away from the Cross, not to say I walked away from the Lord, but I took my eyes away from the Cross, and therefore away from the Strength that it gives me. It was crazy hard to go through this summer with that attitude. Granted I did it, but only through a great many prayers, and through the uplifting of others.

I had stopped searching for God in the Word, I was praying and expecting answers without actually seeking them out. Jeremiah 33:3 talks about God revealing secrets to us, and John 15:16 talks about how God will grant us what we wish so long as it is in accordance to His will. But when I'm asking questions, and He has this great book in front of me, and I don't go to it for answers, that is truly foolishness. Proverbs 3:5-6 is almost cliche in our culture but the words ring truer for me than ever, "trust in the Lord with all your heart" something I've done in the aspect of eternity, but not so much as in everyday. Yes somedays I throw myself before the Lord and trust him completely but others, I try to do it on my own.

Isaiah 40:29-31 is great because it again reiterates the point that it is those who trust in the LORD that will persevere. Those who don't look to the Lord for strength and don't trust him still to deliver on that are going to grow weary and fall. It's awesome to see that it's promised to us that we will succeed in Christ. Romans 8:37 in the NLT phrases it as "overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." How sweet is that!!

To finish, I came home and was crazy discouraged on Saturday. I just felt deserted that I was on my own and that I didn't matter. Then Sunday morning the sermon was from Psalm 91. It saved my mind. Read it. Get into it. Hide it in your heart, use it as a sword to defeat the devil when he is close enough that you can smell his breath.


Dare to Love, and Don't Look Back!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Walking away from the cross.

In an earlier post I believe I told a story about how I've come to look at people coming and bringing things to the Cross of Jesus Christ and leaving them there. It was three different people, one who left it there and just walked away from it, one who set it down, sat down and waited and when things didn't work in his time he picked it back up and left. and then the last who dropped it off, and prayed and then picked it back up and left.

There's a crucial thing wrong with that that I've come to understand, something that Changes how I look at that whole idea. Something that's probably rather elementary yet was out of my understanding for a while. They all walk away from the cross, they all in some way shape or form walk away from the cross. Instead of dropping things off at the feet of Jesus and at the base of His cross, what if we handed them over to Him, and let him cast them away as far as the east is from the west, and then clung too and kept our eye focused on the cross. Sin can't enter into our lives if we cling to the cross, and let it be the mainstay in our lives, but if we don't and we let go and look around we fall short.

Just like peter on the water, once he took his focus off of Jesus he began to doubt and then fell into the sea and could no longer walk on water. It was his faith that allowed him to look to Jesus for that miracle, and it was his doubt his FLESH that kept him from keeping that Gaze fixed on Jesus which thus made him fall.

So let's turn our eyes to Jesus, turn our sin over to him and Not fall short. Let's persevere to the end, and keep our eyes fixed on him because then walking on water could simply be the beginning.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


So, it's kinda cool right here at camp, and I've been thinking a lot about numerous things, all of them beneficial for where I am at this point in my life. Something that hit me though was the fact of Love. Like this irreplaceable love that we can't ignore or deny or anything. We can only accept it. it's so evident so clear that there's no alternative. It's soo cool!

Like today, as I was weed eating around the camp I noticed the camp directors wife coming home from work, and her daughter 12 or 13 years old came running out the front door to greet her. it was like the perfect moment. I mean who does that!! It's so abnormal for us to see this much love coming through that it's . . . well abnormal. How sad is that? How pathetic is that people who were DESIGNED to love can't seem to do it right. Children can't love their parents, and people can't love their siblings or spouses for very long, unless they're getting something in return for it. It's terrible.

I mean what was the first thing that the LORD said was not good in the world. That man was alone was the thing that was not alone. It's ideal that we're together, it's ideal that we're in love and loving each other. I mean, we can't even love each other and brother and sisters in Christ as well as we should. It's disgusting.

My goal, is to dare to be loved, and to dare to love unashamed, unabashed, uninhibitedly, and unruly. I want my love to pour over into everything else that is part of my life, and the only reason that I'm capable is because of the LORD.

So, love like there's no tomorrow may take a new meaning after seeing this today.
I want that in my life, I want that with my children and my wife, and my family and my friends. But more so, I want that with my LORD. He loves me that much so why can't i love him that much.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Nothing too exciting going on lately. Just been thinking alot lately about Grace. I've never been one to extend myself a lot of grace, or to too many people for that matter. It's just something that I've never been good at I guess. It's the hardest on myself though, I just don't extend myself grace I assume because I just expect better out of myself.

I heard this like micro-message on the radio about being able to lie int he sufficiency of God's grace and it hit me. If God can forgive me, than why can't I?? I mean it's like they said last night, David was the man after God's own heart and he committed murder and adultery, yet when Christ entered the gates of Jerusalem on Palm Sunday he was called the Son of David. God's grace was enough for David to still be remembered as someone that was important in the salvation history of the world. If it was enough for him, than why can't I seem to get that it's MORE than enough for me??

Just a weird concept to me I guess. I'm hard on myself, but i need to forgive myself too.

So moral of the Story. His grace is far more than I need, and I need to accept it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Politically Correct

I was thinking the other day about the fact that we're required to be "Politically Correct" almost all the time. In stores you have to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas now, because that person might not celebrate Christmas. There's other things too, especially within the church that we have to be politically correct about otherwise we bet blow back.

For example, we often hear in our world today that it's soon going to be illegal to speak against Gay marriage and that it'll be a hate crime. That's a bunch of Crap. Or how in churches some of the taboo or difficult topics don't get talked about because it's just not politically correct. It's big in the emergent church to not make a finalized Decision on something that affects someone's life. Church leaders like Rob Bell won't speak out against living together before you're married all too often and instead can almost be in support of it. (There's a part in his book Sex God that actually makes it seem like he's making excuses for those living and sleeping together within the church, from my perspective at least.) Or other emergent leaders, like Brian McLaren certainly won't speak against the Homosexual lifestyle.

It's just beginning to bother me that we're so worried about being politically correct, and it seems we're not worried enough about being Biblically correct on the same topics. The Bible is clear, Homosexuality is a sin, being drunk is a sin, pre-marital sex is a sin, the bible is clear it's either a sin or it's not, there's no ifs ands or buts about it. It's cut and dry no half way, no part sin, it's sin or it's not. Paul wasn't politically correct at all in his beleifs or his teachings, so much so that he was stoned once and another time had an entire town out for his head. Jesus wasn't all that politically correct either, he washed his disciples feet, he brought children into his arms over adults, he had a bunch of young untrained guys as his Apostles. He spoke against the pharisees and priests of that day, he said that He was God, he turned over the seller's tables in the temple, and he hung out with crooks, prostitutes, and liars. What about that is Politically correct for a rabbai exactly?

He was biblically correct however, Granted his teachers fill the second half so it's easier for him cause they're his ideas but w/e. He HATED sin but LOVED the sinner, he put service first and self-service last. He aided the outcast of the world, spoke true words, and was not intentionally offensive, unless of course the message he preached was. He was Biblically correct all the time, and Politically correct rarely. We say we want to be like Jesus but don't want to offend anyone, I'm all for that. I'm not going to go up and offend somone directly or intentionally, but if the Gospel is Offensive to them, then o well. It's a fine line between being mean and committing a sin and being truthful. It's going to hurt somone, I mean being told clearly that Homosexual lifestyle is a sin is going to offend someone but so be it, it's the truth. Speaking against drug and alchohol abuse isn't popular but it needs to be done. Speaking out and speaking UP against pre-marital sex isn't popular but it's what Christ did, it's what Paul did, it's what the Bible Does!

We're so worried about offending people because they might leave our churches or our schools, if I preach the Bible with a sencerity in my heart, and Love in my heart, and they feel offended that I know it was the Bible that offended them not me, and I'm okay with that. Love is the key word. I can't be biblically correct if I don't preach and teach with Love. But there's just things we can't be both biblically correct and politically correct on.

I don't know about you, but 100% of the time I hope I choose Biblically correct over Politically correct, after all that's what I believe our Saviour did even up to the point where He died so that we may live.


Monday, May 4, 2009

On Fire

I saw this quote last night as I was walking through one of the buildings and I instantly thought about putting it up here so here goes

"On Fire: One can live at a lower flame. Mose Do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish, tries too hard, or cares to deeply."-- Diane Ackerman, The Sun

Just something to Chew on for a while.

Sunday, April 26, 2009


So, yea. Nothing profound today, my brain is fried from trying to be productive in the library on Thursday, yea that's right four days later and I'm still fried. But yea, anyways.

had a great weekend! Friday went to work at the star, that was weird going back but w/e I made decent Money, Prolly be back this weekend to make extra cash. I went to movies with Jen and Chuck and Dani. Fighting was a good movie I like it. Then we just chilled and Saturday ahh i attempted to work on my Philosophy class, yea that didn't work out well at all. Then i went to BWW with Dani to watch the draft that was cool, then we went to church and Chilled with her mom and brother and peoples. It was cool. Then today I slept in, and came back to school early and did nothing productive what so ever! it was great! lol. O well.

I was talking to a friend and I said this in regards to how one acts and I thought about how I've used it in my past to stand up when I get knocked down.

When we use our past as an excuse to be mediocre or to be bitter and mean and what not, we actually lose. We think that because it's not worse that we're winning and advancing but we're not. It's when we use our past as a booster to step up and be better that we win. If we simply let our past dictate how we are, and that response isn't a better response than our past, then we accomplish nothing. Be Better. Better than your painful past, Better than your sin, Better than our previous lives before Christ. Be Better.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


So today after I went to the gym, and had a very disheartening workout, I decided to take out the bike and go for a ride down the lake shore. It was a great ride, not too long about 10 miles or so a little under an hour total on the bike, and as I was on the way back weaving in and out of traffic on Oak Street I thought about how it felt to hit the work out groove. We've all done it, I mean if you 've ever worked out consistently you have been in that zone before. It's the best feeling durin the workout, the part where you feel like you can keep going for hours.

I hit that going north on the lake shore path. It was incredible I was flying down the path and when I got to the point where I figured I'd best turn around ( ya know that point where you have no idea where you are, and that figure in the distance that looks soo small used to look enormous, yea there.) So that part got me thinkin, I was cruisin along so well that I forgot where I was, I had progress so well that i didn't care where I was. I enjoyed the ride more than anything. I started to think about our faith, that we sometimes get into this groove, this zone where we just grow closer to the Lord and we walk side by side with him and it's all good. We just keep cruising, and I said a quick prayer asking God to quench my thirst for that Closeness with him, to keep me that close to Him that I no longer care where I'm going cause I'm with him. I thought about the passage where Paul talks about finishing the race strong, and I was like oh this is easy! and i turned around and started the ride back to Oak street to go back to campus.

Now the wind at the lake shore is bi polar. By that I mean one way it loves you, pushes you and wants to help you, but when you go the other way, it wants to see you fall and see you wear down. Now at the start of my work out, at about 430 I swam 500yds, now I know to some that may not be alot, but a third of a mile (give or take) is a long distance for a guy who just started swimming longer than a 12 by 12 pool k, thanks. My knees were burning, but going north I didn't even care, I just wanted to keep going. On th way back, i wanted to stop. It hurt so much more, I had to dig twice as much to go the same speed, I went from flying down the path, to the same pace an old lady rides her bike on a calm spring day. I was pissed. I had to try extra hard to get the same results. It brought be back to that passage about finishing well the race before us. Sometimes we get it easy and we get spoiled. I mean sometimes we get into a situation like a trial or a rough patch, and we just cruise on through like it's nothing. And other times, we get stuck, we don't wanna go on, and we feel like quitting. Finish well the race.

Finishing well is something the director at the camp I go to used to say all the time. That his goal was to enable us to Finish well. Our faith is definitely not the easy road in this life. cause like think about, we're called to die to ourselves, to our desires, and live out God's desires in us. Now I'm a firm believer, out of experience, that God's desires turn into our desires as we seek his face. But our worldly desires never go away, Yes i want to teach youth the Gospel and how to live out a faith that reflects the love of our great and amazing savior (amen!) but I also want a Corvette ZR1. (or a 1969 Stingray take your pick) But i know that God's desire in my life is going to be far more fulfilling than that car would be. His desires became my desires. That's not easy. it's hard. I wanted to be a marine for so long! and then a trainer cause I knew the money I could make. And now I'm going to make a fraction of that, and I love it. I welcome it. It wasn't easy getting to this point, ask either of my youth pastors, but I'm so glad I'm here now. I'm on the road to finishing well.

The wind had picked up and I was struggling but out of no where came a second wind and I picked up my pace. It was a reminder to me that when things get really difficult in our walk with the LORD he's going to pick us up if we can't do it on our own. he wants to. He longs for us to allow him to step in and take control. He'll set us back down in our groove when he's done too, there's no stopping or slowing down, He drops us in the best place possible and we keep on trucking.

When I saw the end coming up on the path, the signs of Oak and the familiar buildings I picked up the pace. I dug in and peddled hard and tried as hard as I could to fly again. I did all I could to finish well. I got back into my groove, into my zone. I was determined to Finish well. I did (at least in my eyes). So dig hard, make it happen. Dig down deep and put everything you have into finishing well. Don't stop for anything!

Find you're groove.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


It's kinda funny at times, how it often seems during a certain season in life the sermons, the lessons, the readings all seem to meet you where you are. Like it almost seems like everything is just for you, a great feeling really.

Lately I've been listening to sermons, reading books and passages, and being reminded that I'm at a point of discipline in my walk with the LORD right now. I've been ignoring a glaring sin in my life, and now I'm being disciplined for it. It's not like it's a horrible thing, in fact it's the opposite it's a great thing, a timely thing, a needed thing. It just surprises me that I didn't actually think it would come to this, at least not now, but here it is and well. . . I've learned to welcome it.

For class we're reading a book, "The Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson, and I came to a part about discipline in the believers life, and he talked about these three distinct ways, or degrees, in which God disciplines those he loves. The first being a rebuke, like a verbal warning, or in Bruce's case the look from his mother, it always scared him into place, but when it didn't it went further. It's equated to a timely word from a brother, or a scripture passage that causes conviction, or just a conviction caused by the Holy Spirit. It's the beginning, it's as far as we'd all like to go if we could choose when to stop.

Chastising was the second "degree" of discipline (all based on a passage in Hebrews). This Bruce pointed out was his father sending him to his room without dinner, thus taking away pleasures like family time and food and desert. It wasn't punishment, it wasn't hurting him, it was just taking away something that was pleasurable to him in order to make him see that how he was acting was wrong. Been there, felt that, don't want to go there again. I've known many christians who have been chastised by the LORD and have mistaken it for a trial or an issue with the enemy, because well it hurts that bad sometimes.

The last one is dreadful to consider at times, but it is scourging. This was the actual spanking for Bruce. But scripture says (I beleive in corinithians) that the sins of the people have even led to their sickness and death. Or look at the story of Ananais and Saphria in acts they were killed by the LORD right there for their sin. I certainly hope for the sake of myself and those whom I'm close with that we all repent and turn from our sin before we get into this stage.

With all that comes the realization that God does discipline us, he doesn't necessarily punish us, he doesn't do us harm but he will discipline us. It's like a father spanking a child, or taking away their phone, that's discipline. He loves the child, and recognizes that the child needs it in order to live the right away and to steer clear of things that are going to cause him harm down the line. The same is true with the Heavenly father. If I was not in this season of discipline things would be incrediably different, but now after realizing that it's discipline and not a trial things are better. It's easier to see the good in all this because it's all for the better. Yes discipline and trials are similiar both are for the building up of our relationship with God, but they have different motives. Trials are to build us up, often out of times of great closeness to God. Discipline, that's to correct a sin, an on doing sin in our lives. It was about time for me to come around and actually make the changes necessary, make the decision to defeat what I'm wrestling with, I still wish the cost of it would have been less but hey, it took that much to get me to make the change so I'm just glad I am determined more than ever now to make that change.

We don't like being disciplined when we're a child, we don't like when we're believers because we rarely recognize it as something that's good and needed, instead we hold out against it and respond with anger. It's easier to be subject to discipline if we don't look at it as a thing we have to deal with and as a thing we grow angry with, but instead look at it as a gift. A gift from a Father who wants nothign short of the best fo us every moment that we're alive, a gift that steers us in the right direction all the time.

Be open to discipline.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I was always told growing up that Jesus always knew what we were going through. He knew what it was like to be rejected, to be disappointed, to be alone, to be tempted, even to fail (to a degree). I always wondered though if he experienced the same type of depression as I did and do. I mean, I know he knows far more stress than I do, he sweat blood in Gethsemane before he was crucified, He knows what stress is like. But my question is does he know was depression is like??

I know that depression is often described as a mental thing we just need to get over, especially as christians. I've often heard people confront believers that have depression because they didn't think that they could have it if they truly loved the LORD. What a bunch of crap. Depression is something the Enemy uses in his never ending quest to separate us from God as much as possible. Because he knows that if he can create separation between us and the Father, or Christ, or the Spirit for that matter, that he will have an easier time of influencing us. He's going to be able to convince us that what we're doing isn't that bad, or that nothing matters. (as often is the feeling for the depressed) He's going to do everything to tell us that our life is insignificant and that we should just give up. It's not as if the "great" saints of the past didn't deal with this, I mean Elijah wanted to die, he prayed the Lord take his life in the wilderness just hours after he won a great victory over the false priests and their god. It's safe to say that Peter probably suffered from a bought of depression after he denied Christ three times during the trials. But once again, what about christ.

I was told when I was younger that Christ feels what we feel, that He knows all our experiences and that he's been there. I look through scripture and I see where he faces everything, but I don't always see that one thing specifically. I mean I have yet to find a passage that talks about Christ being in a situation where he could have slipped sexually with a women (though some have linked this to the women at the well and the cultural ties to that day but I don't make that connection so easily) but maybe while on the cross christ would have suffered through some depression. I mean, the wrath of God was thrown on him, he was then forsaken by the one person we are all promised won't forsake us. Maybe he does understand. Maybe he knew exactly what it felt like, when his close friend died, (Lazarus), or when his followers deserted him leaving him only with the twelve, or when he was betrayed by one of the few that stuck with him, or when the people who days earlier had cried out to him as their messiah were now crying for him to die the most horrible death of that day.

Maybe he felt alone, and hated, and weak, and like he failed. Maybe he suffered depression before and during the cross. But, I guarantee he didn't have that type of thought after the resurrection. In fact, I'm willing to be that that whole event was what kept him going at times. Knowing that He was getting the privilege of bringing supreme glory to the father kept him going, maybe knowing that the resurrection was going to bring about an end to death as we knew it, and bring about new life like we couldn't even imagine. Maybe that kept him going. Maybe looking to the father kept him going, looking to what the Father was going to do. He kept looking up. Even in his prayer at the garden he says if this is your will then let it be done. He focused on the father and the father's will and He was able to let go of his own feeling for it.

Looking forward, looking up, looking at the light, looking to the Father is going to get us through anything we go through. Any temptation to believe we have nothing left and that we should just give up and die, the father will bring us out of. he's got our best in mind, he's going to protect us, he's going to preserve us, he's going to bless us. He is not going to let depression rule our lives. We can rise out of it. As someone whose gone through it before, and has recently battled it again I know this to be truth. God is wonderful counselor, as much as he is healer, and savior. He's willing to counsel you through depression as he's done me. Look to his word for encouragement.

I hope this helps someone out there. Thinking that Jesus really did go through some depression helped me to realize that handing it over to him is practical and useful.

I had this grand vision of what this particular blog would be like, and It's not quite there, IDK how to make it better but this is what came out of my heart today.

The silver lining looks better and better when we keep finding more and more of it. The picture it creates is enough to keep us moving along sometimes. Hold onto it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Waiting is not something our culture does very well. I noticed this one day a while back while waiting for a train on my way back from PCM. There was an announcement played over the loud speaker about how the trains were going to be running late for alittle while and then the one that was next would be express. She began to yell and scream profanities at the PA system, almost like it controlled the outcome of her life. She got so mad, simply because she had to wait another 5 minutes. What I see more so for me is in restaurants, seeing that I work in one. People are so impatient (btw don't be a jerk at a restaurant, simply tell us that you're going to see a movie, or you have to catch a train, dont say hurry up all the time cause most of us won't). I had a table two weekends ago that was very impatient, we have time limits for getting drinks on the tables, for greeting, for everything and it wasn't fast enough for them. They complained that they waited for 10 minutes for drinks, that they didn't get their food for an hour, that they were in a hurry and weren't getting good enough service. It angered me, a table of 12 people complaining that drinks took too long, when they had to put in two seperate orders because they all decided they wanted something different, and then to say their food took an hour, when they were in and out of the restaurant in under 65 minutes. Naturally they got most of their bill taken care of, but to make things worse they stiffed me on the tip! All because of impatience, and perhaps a tinge of greed in knowing how to work the system.

Impatience. It fuels car accidents, road rage, horrible service and hostile words. People as a whole, hate waiting. I'm guilty of this too, I hate waiting in lines that shouldn't be that long, and in traffic! But it's a part of life, and a part that can sometimes be good for us, it teaches us to slow down and realize the world doesn't revolve around us. But more so, with patience and waiting for me is the topic of waiting on the LORD. That's something we as Christians are horrible at. We always want it now, and want it our way. We'll like Sarah and Abraham. They waited on God to give them a child and it didn't come in their time so they did it themselves and created Ishmael. God was furious with this, but still even in their unfaithfulness they were given a child exactly how the LORD said they would be. Had they waited a whole slew of problems would not have came up.

We do that today too, we don't wait so we're like Abraham and we force it. I forced a relationship in my past, forced it to start before it was ready to, because I felt I was ready. I was wrong, and because of that I'm not in that relationship anylonger , I forced it, I made it happen and it was the wrong way. Had I waited on the LORD the first time around things may be different now, but here I am sitting waiting again. This time, I'm getting comfortable. Not too comfortable, but enough to the point where I'm okay with waiting on the LORDS time for this. It's not my time, that's for sure, but I've proved already that my time is often the Wrong time.

Waiting has its benefits though too, Isaiah says that those who wait on the LORD will rise up on wings like eagles. Waiting can help us to rise. That's not something we typically relate with one another, especially in our culture where we're taught that you have to make it happen or it won't. That's not at all what Scripture says. Scripture Says Wait! Figure out the Will of God and wait on his timing. If you can't figure out his Will at that moment, you're waiting has just begun. Wait.

The next hardest thing about this process is not becoming complacent. Don't get so involved in the waiting that when the time comes to jump, to step forward, to fall back, that you don't because you're too secure in you're waiting. When the time comes Jump, go forward, do what God has revealed to you to do. But don't do it before it's time.


It's hard but we can do it. Jesus had to wait to be crucified it didn't just happen, we have to wait to enter into God's glory, we all have to wait on the Lord at some point of our lives. I'm waiting right now. Anxiously awaiting the end of this trial and the end of this process, yet welcoming the waiting none the less. Take the time to grow closer to God, seek His will, seek His face, and dwell in Him for that time especially.

Wait, then when the time is just right, when God reveals it to you, don't hesitate to Jump.

Wait with me?

Monday, April 13, 2009


It's been weird lately, still. Complicated, hard, confusing, but it's working it's way towards being good, maybe even great. I'm sure that the choices I've made are for the better, and that they are going to be proven to be the best ones for me, however I wish they would be proven that now and that the pain and discomfort that they brought would be finished with would simply dissipate. It's not something that's going to happen over night, I know that. I just wish it would come soon because I liked the feeling of being secure and safe and wanted. It's going to be good though. Great though. This is all for the better. It's all going to be better because of this.

On to the Topic on hand. Forgiveness

Easter was yesterday and that always brings up the sermons on forgiveness and how we've been redeemed through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I love that, though it's hard for me. It's been hard for me to forgive people I care about. People that are still in my life, that I erased from my life, and even myself sometimes. That's partially what my whole situation is about, the fact that I can't forgive and it's tearing me apart. It's making me think things that I shouldn't be. It's keeping this bitterness and this anger inside when it should be gone by now. I mean, the thing happened two years ago, and if nothing else at the end of it I was the one still around, I was the one that came out on top, yet I still hold a grudge against it. It's horrible.

My mom used to say that in that particular event I won, I believe she's wrong. Because two years later, it's still one of the biggest issues I have to conquer every day. To wake up and make the decision daily to not hate, but to forgive and realizing how often I fail at that. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to forgive the friend that hurt me so badly, that hurt the person I cared about so badly, and I'm also trying to forgive that person too for unintentionally hurting me even more. I'm sorry to you both. I'm sorry to everyone involved that I mistreated, that I erased, because well it's about time I manned up and forgave the situation.

More over, I have to ask forgiveness too. Forgiveness for the bitterness I hold against you both, the anger that wells up inside me sometimes spills over. I'm sorry for hurting you, for talking trash, and for putting you down. I'm sorry for dragging you along behind me since that summer and not letting go of the pain that was with it. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

Jesus forgave me on the Cross 2000 years ago, for everything I would do. For all the mistakes, the evil words, thoughts and actions, for my doubts and my anger, yet I can't do that?? He died to forgive me that day, to forgive all who are willing to come to Him in fact, and I can't let go of this event. I mean, as far as the east is from the west so are the our sins from the Mind of God. Two years ago I was hurt and I drag it along with me today, yet the Father who had His Son die to forgive us has tossed aside our transgressions. Little pathetic on my part no?? I love the phrase and idea of dieing to ourselves daily in order to be like Christ. So, I'm making the effort to die daily and forgive those who hurt me. (It feels alot better than holding the grudge, like a weight lifted)

There's one more person I have to forgive, and this one is the hardest of all. I have to forgive myself. I am allowed to give myself grace when it comes down to it. I'm not good at that, that's very easily seen. I'm success orientated, if I lose then I'm immediately a failure, if I struggle than I'm immediately a failure. I never give myself grace. It's about time. Time to forgive myself for the things I've done, and let go of my own bitterness towards me. I'm allowed to make mistakes, it's inevitably going to happen, it's just a matter of how we respond. Do we hate and get angry when we screw up and continue to remember that mistake until it eats us alive and causes us to doubt ourselves, our Love, and our God? Or do we stand up when we fall, do we press forward and make the difference because we won't be stopped. The path of God is forgiveness, the path of the enemy is hate and malice and bitterness. I'm tired of trying to live a life reflecting Christ, yet give the enemy such a great foothold into my life. Even if it is geared at myself. So, I'm extending myself grace for the things I've said (even this week), the things I've done (Even this weekend) for the things I've thought (daily), for the many mistakes I've made with my relationships and people who I chose to surround myself with. Of course It'll take time to completely let go of, but hey, I'm not alone right? This is going to work.

Even thinking this, reading this over, realizing that the process has begun is a weight lifted.

Funny how forgiving is harder for us than begrudging is, yet the Yoke that Christ gives us is light and easy... because just because it's easier for the moment doesn't make it easier in the Long run. It would have been a much better two years if I had just forgiven this whole thing then. It would have been a much better few years, if I could have just forgiven myself then. Either way, it's gone today.

I've died in this manner today, I hope to die to this world more and more each day. Would you come with me?

Saturday, April 11, 2009


So, it's been . . . a low spot for me and it's really been taking a toll on me, and it shows. I've been looking for ways to look at the silver lining, to find the good in all of this stuff, and it's been working. Mainly because I've been focusing on what God has been doing to me and doing through me and . . . that's making a ton of difference. I mean, I've realized something, that I've been looking at this trial all wrong. I've been saying that I hate this, that I hate this process, but that I'm going to endure because of the finished product. I should be looking at this as a welcomed event. I should be looking at my trial and my hardship and be thinking that it's a blessing, instead of a curse. I know the finished product is going to be amazing, so I have to look at it as if it's a great thing. That's crazy hard.

And that being said, I've been reading some verses I wrote down a long time ago to memorize and I found them again today, and well, my day went from horrible to great. So I figured I'd write them down. Tell me what they mean to you when you read them.

There's a few, so read on some are cliche but w/e they're great.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths strait.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will up hold you in my righteous right hand.

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not grow faint.

Wait on the Lord... in the midst of trials. . .wait on the LORD


Friday, April 10, 2009

Better Than Before

So, I found out that I'm going to camp all summer. In fact the possibility is that I'm going to be leaving within a week of finishing up this semester at school to go up there, and I'm going to be there until the week before I move back up to school for fall semester. I can't wait. I can't wait to be up there, to be away from here, to be where I feel the closest to the Lord, because I have nothing else to focus on but Him. Here I'm all distracted, work, class, homework, movies, TV, all that stuff that comes in and out of the day. Camp, well camp is my escape. It's where I'm with people that just push you to grow, where you get to wake up everyday and do Good work. It's a great place to just be with Jesus. I can't wait to get there.

Going to camp this summer is going to be the best thing I could possibly do for myself right now, Hands down. I'm really working things out. Really learning to relish in the fact that everything is going to be just fine, in fact probably better than fine, I know that this whole thing is going to end in an Amazing way. The finish project is worth the trial's and the hardships it took to get there when it comes to the Lord. Job is a perfect example of this, he had everything, and then it was all taken away from him. Yet he stayed faithful, he questioned God at times, but he never lost his faith. He got angry, he even seemed like he was going to give up and just lave the Lord behind him, but he didn't. He stayed close to the Lord, and his result was very fulfilling for him. And I imagine he's still reaping that Reward as an Old Testament Saint in heaven today.

I'm not comparing my plight to Job's he had it much much worse, and I am not hoping or asking for that in any degree right now. What I am saying, is I know there's a reward for this. The Glorification of the Father is going to happen through this, and that's a great reward alone, but still I know I'll be taken care of, that I'll get better than before.

I jumped, and it's all for the better.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I made a mistake last night while I was praying. I asked the Lord to continue to break me, to keep doing it, and take me through the fire to the place I'm supposed to be, to the end result.
See, the issue isn't that I asked Him to break me, that's something we as Disciples should cry out for, but my problem was that I didn't expect Him to do it. Certainly not right away. See, I'm going through alot right now, if you don't know that's prolly not a horrible thing, if we're close and we don't talk, we should, but regardless. It's rough. I have no motivation, I have no energy, I'm just tired and worn out and sulky all the time. I get moments of Joy, and I'm learning to take joy in this struggle, in this trial, but it's momentary nothing lasting yet. I'm at a low point, certainly a low point for the year, possibly since I was a junior in high school. But, I jumped. I took the leap and left it up to God. Then, I egged him on.

I believe God is waiting for us to jump, he's waiting for us to cry out to Him and ask Him to break us further. Especially when we're already breaking, or seemingly broken. I didn't expect him to do it, I expected Him to be like " I already am, you're fine just keep going on this way and you'll be good." I was wrong. So So wrong. He took that prayer, where I asked to be broken more, where I declared my Trust in Him, my complete Trust (if you know me you know this is huge), I said "You're all I need! You can take everything! and i'll serve you." I've prayed this before, but He never took anything. He's taking. It's all for Good, all for God, but he's taking. and . . I'm fine. I got angry, frustrated, and doubtful of my solution and hope. But I'm fine. I'm not dead, My family is healthy, My God, the one true God, is Good beyond measure.

I was told by Eric, one of the guys from Bair Lake, that he learned as a blacksmith that you never apply more heat than necessary to make the change, but that if it requires more heat, (it's stubborn) you have to apply more heat. I've said similar things in the past. That when God speaks, if we don't listen, if we ignore Him, sometimes He speaks louder, not all the time, but sometimes. I was stubborn, I ignored Him. He applied more heat, He got louder. No, there's no missing it. It's time for a change, priorities, people even though not many, and life choices. I jumped, He caught me and is putting me on the Ground, it's rough ground, sometimes giving way, but He's got me.

I jumped, and I'm Okay. I'm breaking and I'm fine. I have the Lord, and He has me in His hands. I'm going to be better because of this. I'm going to be . .. better than ever because of this. I thought the last four years were amazing and awesome, even the last year and a half. I'm in for a surprise if this is the way he's leading me.

Jump. You'll be fine. He promised.

I Corinthians 10:12-13 NLT

If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are Tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

He never gives us more than we can handle. Ever.

Monday, April 6, 2009


I've been thinking lately that I often don't jump when I come to the edge of a cliff. And while I'm not being like literal when I say cliff, I'm talking about those choices we make where we can either take a leap of faith or sit on the edge and look and debate what we should do but never really do anything. I've made a choice to start to Jump.

I got my wrists tattooed with the reference to 1 John 4:18 which is There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not made perfect in love. No fear. No fear in all of my weaknesses. I have no reason to fear, it's hitting me harder and harder every day. I have no reason to fear. I can take that leap, I can throw myself over the edge because I have faith that I'm going to be okay. I figure hey there's one of two options, jump or be complacent. If I jump I"m either going to hit the ground running and I'm going to be fine as it is, or the Lord is going to lift me up and carry me as I plummet towards the ground, but He will save me anyways.

Plus I've noticed that in my past if I stay I usually end up being pushed over the edge anyways. With Moody, I didn't send in the application because I figured I wasn't good enough, I didn't jump, and I was pushed over the edge and now I'm here. With Camp last summer, I shoulda went right away, but I said no because it wasn't enough money, and I wanted to be home with my friends and the girl. I ended up going anyways, lost 95% of my hours at my job, got into more fights with the girl, and grew apart from my friends anyways. I went, I got pushed over the edge to take the Jump and go to camp, and I loved it. Best summer of my life! Met awesome people, grew so much close to my Savior, and I was happy with so little. That was ideal.

So, I'm learning to jump. It's like with the zip line at camp, the first time I went down the Big zip line Uno wanted me to go down inorder to help beat my fear of heights (it worked now i love rock climibing!) so we went up higher than the high ropes course and did the zip line, it was so high, I could have either sat on the edge and he was going to push me anyways, I was going or nothing that was the end of it. So i made the best of it, I jumped, I stepped off the edge and took a leap, and it paid off.

Moral of the story is: Jump. Don't look back, don't think too hard (something I'm still learning), don't second guess it. Jump. If you fail the Father will lift you up, if you succeed you'll feel so grateful for the experience. If you stay on the edge and watch, you'll either be unfulfilled, or pushed anyways.

So why Wait. Just Jump.



So, just like every week since this semester started I had to get up at 5:30 today, Monday, so that I could go to work. Work at 6 am. . .twice a week and then 5 am once a week. . . my work schedule has officially tried to kill me. All semester I've been missin classes trying to get some sleep, and now that I can't miss any more classes I'm all tired, all the time. But that's w/e I'll survive I love monster anyways. It's more so that I've been slow in my Classes, I need to focus more to stay in tune with what's actually due that week in each class. . . Speaking of which I hope this paper goes well that I have to write today, I don't have room for mistake with this prof. He grades like crazy, anything under an 80% is failing, and people say our grading scale in Christian colleges is easier, nope not happening.

Today I feel like I'm going to spend a lot of time thinking, and possibly more time on this or writing my thoughts down some where else, I do that alot it helps to organize things. Once I see something down on paper/computer screen I tend to be able to make more sense of it in my own mind. But still sometimes it never works and the thoughts I have never made sense. But w/e that's what my wise counsel is for to help me make sense of things, but typically only major things. I'm just bored, waiting for class to start now, biding my time until my day begins in a rush of four hours of non stop, then lunch and either strait to the library to work on this paper, or to health services to get my leg looked at, cause it hurts. . . A Lot.

Time to go to class. .. Yay! can you feel my enthusiasm??


Saturday, April 4, 2009


So, I've noticed that a TON of people I know have blogs, not as give me attention type things (well not all of them) but as a place to put into words the things that are coursing through their heads in a way that organizes them and makes them useable. That's why I started mine, a place to throw down my thoughts, to get things onto a page that I can then read and maybe make some sense of things.

Don't have a ton of time to do more right now, but I figured this would be a good start.

God Bless

1 John 4:18