Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Ever wake up with that feeling that everything was falling out from under you?

Yea, wish it went away when I woke up.

I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm told to finish school and keep going in what I'm doing. That's great. I mean I do think that I'd be great at being a teaching pastor and teaching Bible at a high school, yet I'm not always sold that I'm supposed to do that. I don't like school so why would I want to teach? I'm struggling to be who I should be. I can't seem to make the changes necessary to be who I'll need to be in order to do that right. Not that I'm doing anything terribly wrong but I'm not the typical picture of a pastor. I've really been debating dropping out of school and seeing if it's possible to get into the fire academy. I'd be good at it.

There's no secret that Many people can't picture me in ministry. And the responses I get from the parents and others is that those people don't really know my heart or that they don't really know me. My response typically is, maybe they know me better than you think. I'm not gentle, or all that kind. I struggle with things of Faith, in fact I wouldn't say I have a strong faith outside of a solid scripture knowledge. . . take away any aspect of the scripture and I go nuts Lose everything. It seems I put more faith in scripture than in Christ. maybe it's simply that I can see scripture, I can read it, I can touch it and I can't always do that with God. I have goals, things I'd like to do, typically encompassing the fact that I want to disciple young men into maturity. I hated how Bible was taught to me in High School, and I don't think we give today's youth enough credit, I believe we sell them short a lot. But am I the person to go and change that?

If I was truly meant to continue in ministry, would I have such doubts? Would I be able to question what I'm doing daily? Regardless of how good my worship was, or how difficult the day was the same questions come up again and again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting money, time, and energy. Yes I know that I can't truly waste time investing time in learning about God's word, but that doesn't make the thought go away.

I guess it comes to who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I want to serve God, but I'm not sure I'm able all the time certainly not sure I can when I'm in this state. . . So what do I do? I don't like this feeling at all.

Any thoughts? Ideas?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Heart pt 2

Different things have been put on my heart lately. People, ideas, goals, things that I've really had to come to grips with where they may not be be exactly as they seem. There's particularly been a lot of people that I've been praying for a lot, people that God has put on my heart because I can see a need for more of him in their lives. Not that they don't have him, but sometimes they have difficulty doing what he asks. It's been hard seeing people I love stray from the path he has, and from the way he wants them to be. It breaks my heart in fact. I don't mean this to be offensive, or to tell you all that you're evil people or anything like that. I just want you to know that i'm praying for you. And I hope you're praying for me. There's days where I'm not what I seem either, where I'm a fool and go my own way instead of the way that God wants me to go. In fact it's a constant struggle.

Everyday i deal with the fact that it seems as if a war is taking place within my soul. That part of me desperately wants to serve the Savior that paid my price, that i want o please him alone and that I know doing this will is how I can accomplish that. Being Holy, living as Christ would live, 1 John 1:6 says: "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet wlak in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." It's a hard realization, and it's not something I like to hear. That I'm not living out the truth that I long to share and to teach people. That I'm not receiving the opportunities or blessings that I could because I'm still stuck in my sin. It rips me apart knowing that there's more, there's better and I can have it, but I'm the one that's holding myself back. I'm the one lying to people, I'm the one doubting, I'm the one believing the Garbage that the Enemy has put into my head. It sucks.

I want you guys to know my heart, I want you to know that I love each and everyone of you. That I have had the pleasure of seeing God work in your life, and I've seen you wrestle with Him as well. I've seen you fail and succeed just as most of you have seen me fail and succeed. I pray for victory for all of you, and for myself. I pray that you receive the blessings due to those who give honor, praise, and who faithfully serve our Savior, our LORD, our Daddy. He's great, powerful, mighty, Holy, Just, Worthy, I can keep going and fill an entire volume of books with the things that He is that make him who He is.

If you wanna talk I"m here. If I made you mad, tell me. But above everything Know I'm praying for you. That i want to see you guys Walk in the Light. It's a great thing to walk in the light. Everything is better. The cloud doesn't have a silver lining when you walk in the light. it's made of precious jewels and gold. When I'm walking in the light and close with God I Love better, (Ask Dani) I serve better, I have more energy, I'm blessed more, I can come to better realization about God. Everything is better, even the bad doesn't seem bad when I'm walking Hand in Hand with God.

My Final word, we all have sin in our life, we all have something to deal with, as God Told Joshua in Joshua 7:13 (though a lose translation) there is sin in your camp, (life) Rise up, and deal with it, then you will be blessed. Take a stand with me, put on your armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) And fight. We're not meant to be weak, we're meant to stand strong for the Lord is our Foundation, our healer, and our Warrior who fights on our behalf. Be encouraged cause the war was won on the Cross, Jesus crushed Satan and while the battles are still waging, and they hard don't forget that, the war is won which means the Battles can be as well.

Email or text or call anytime. I love you all. Be blessed.

Dare to be Loved.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Reclaiming Ground

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my dreams, my goals, the things that I desire, the things that Drive me. It's been a time of self evaluation. Some of it good, and some of it terrible. It's hard to think that I can want something that would be detrimental to what I truly want to do.

It's an expression of this battle that's waging with in me. This battle that is the world fighting to come forward, and then the God that I serve claiming ground that is already his. My dreams, my Goals, my Desires are grounds that God owns. They are things that he has complete control over, when I'm On. By being "on" I mean to say when I'm making an effort, when I'm walking in the Light ( 1 John 1) when I'm sincerely taking steps to grow closer to God. When I'm on. It's a beautiful thing. I trust that though I'm stretched thin I'll find rest, and even abundance. I believe that what I got is a good thing, it's a blessing and a strength. I love like no tomorrow. When I'm on I love God, my Family, my Friends, and Dani like there's no tomorrow. Funny, how when I'm close to God I over flow with love. . . isn't that the general idea? It's not a new concept to me, just a newer experience. It's a good thing. Something I wish I could do every day. Yet, I'm human so I fail. But I don't have to. I don't have to fail.

And I certainly and sick and tired of thinking that all I can do is fail. Its garbage. Satan is telling me that all I can do is fail. That I'm not good enough. Started with trust, telling me that noone can love me as my heart desires, that I can't be trusted to love like someone deserves or wants. He told me I wasn't going to do what I love, that I couldn't stand under the weight of what I really wanted to do So I quit. He's told me before that I'm going to fail at ministry, that I'm going to be nothing. I know it's him telling me that because God wouldn't tell me I'm going to fail at ministry, he'd simply change my ministry direction into something that I'm going to succeed at. This is where my heart is. Teaching Truth. Living every day to grow to be more like Christ. Living within the knowledge of the Grace that I don't deserve.

I'm done looking at myself as a failure. And I'm certainly done looking back and saying that God is the reason I have not done the things I love, or why things failed when I desperately wanted them to succeed. I blame myself and my gullibility for my failures, for believing that I couldn't do it. I'm jumping over a fence and I like the view on this side.

Jump with me? Come over? See how God can work in your life when you Let Go and acknowledge that He is Supreme, Sovereign, Loving, Kind, Good, Holy, and Perfect LORD. Come Grow closer to God with me, walk with me through the Light. And tell Satan to Go to Hell.