Monday, March 29, 2010


I've been running a lot lately. Last week everyday I was up at 5 am, which resulted in me being in the gym at 6am and working out before breakfast and class all before 8. It felt good to get in the weight room, to get on the treadmill and to run especially. I haven't run in a long while. I usually swim or bike or something else other than run but lately I've been running.
I've always used working out to get numb in a way. To forget things, people, events, even to forget the day that lay behind me. Honestly, I work out to feel it so that I don't have as much energy and focus to think about what was going on before. It's how I cope. When fighting doesn't work, I hide. If I can't fight it anymore, if I can't get around it, If i can't go through it, I get away from it.

It's been that way lately. I fought harder than I ever have, used more energy and pushed myself but nothing happened of any good in the whole deal. I got to a point where I couldn't go another step forward. I was alone, felt abandoned even though I truly knew better, and I felt worthless, even though I know where my real worth lies. I was spent. I had nothing left.
I felt mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. It was the internal mirror of when I was training for the twelve minute run for football at Concordia University. I had to run 7.75 laps of a quarter mile track in 12 minutes or less. It was hard! I never quite got there, but I remember that when I did my best when I ran as hard as I could for twelve minutes I could barely move. And I had fallen Short. I failed. I was stuck. I didn't end up playing football for them, I didn't even go to the school it didn't have anything to do with the run but still it was a stigma i kept with me. I couldn't do it.

That's how life has felt lately. That I can't do it. That even though I've gone through the training, and that I've had the guidance, assistance and encouragement of those around me I still failed. What's worse is looking back it feels like it was twice in a row. It happened and then I kept getting ready, I got more prepared, I got better I moved forward and then when it came to show up it bombed. I failed. Again. Nothing I could do at all. So I sat there and punched a brick wall for a while. After 2 months of progress it died out. Nothing I did worked nothing got through and I was on empty. I haven't recovered. I haven't juiced back up. I'm not ready. I'm not even close. The Lord feels distant, and it's my fault sure but fact is it's the truth. I know he's never failed me, but I feel like I've failed. I put so much into it and nothing happened. I'm still empty. I'm still fighting for something that's not there. I'm swinging blindly in the dark. I haven't learned my lesson. I can't sit and jus let it because then I have no say in the matter!

Maybe it's better that way. That i have no say in the matter. That I just stay and Hide. But is it hiding in the cowardly sense or, is it smart? Is it to rejuvenate and prepare. To game plan and get right? Is that a smart way to do it? Is that how we should do it? Should the marines chill in the building for an hour before moving through the rest of the town when they come upon something they didn't expect? If they found a tank regiment and didn't plan for it, and decided to just keep going they'd be whipped out. They would have to come up with a battle plan.

So thats where I'm going to be. Coming up with a battle plan. I'm going to fight to be in the light, I'm going to do all I can to be in the right mind and I'm going to win. End of Story. The Lord is my strength, in fact in him is where I'm going to be doing my plan. For Psalm 61:1-4 says "Hear my Cry O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint' Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever Let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings." He also tells us that we are more than conquerors in Christ. We Will Conquer! We Will Win! The Enemy doesn't get to hold on to the part of my life that he has for so long. He has no power over me and he will lose.

It's taken it's toll on me, and I'm tired sore and worn but I'll win. I just need a little rest. In the shelter of the Most High.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Know Your worth.

This past weekend I was given the chance to speak at the youth Group at my parents church in Orland and the Topic of self worth was one I gladly took up. I wanted to share some of it here.

Humanity is the Pinnacle of Creation. We are the Corvette stingray next to the 1982 Honda civic that doesn't have tires. We were the thing declared "Very Good" by our creator. More over, as a Professor Said in class one day, "You saints when you wake in the morning, a servant as you go throughout your day, and a beloved child of god as you lay your head down to sleep." We are worth while, we are priceless in the eyes of the only one that matters.

I do not believe that self-esteem is something we get from our understanding of Scripture. Don't get me wrong having a good self image, a good self outlook, and self-respect is a great thing. But a self-love isn't. In 2 Timothy 16 Paul puts "lovers of self" in the same category as "lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, . . . unholy, unloving, . . . brutal haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." Nothing in that list displays anything that mirrors Christ. He was self-less, loved others more than himself, in fact He died for all mankind! It wasn't that He hated Himself, it doesn't seem fit that God could ever hate Himself, because scripture talks about the perfect loving Union that God-head has. It was for love of Himself, and His people that He died. Scripture continues to make statements about not seeking his own good but that of a neighbor (1 Cor. 10:24), about the greatest being the servant not the master (Matt 23:11,12) and how we are to love our neighbor as ourselves! Scripture looks poorly on the prideful arrogant, and self centered, and conversely looks favorably on the self-less, the modest, and the servant.

That being said, that we are to know that we have worth, yet not be prideful it's clear that our worth has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with our creator. It's like the man that has a common car, in fact three of them in his driveway, and a rare car (one of only ten) in his garage covered in trash. For the owner the one that has more worth is the one that is useful to Him. However while this image is decent it's misleading, I have no more worth than the drug addicted murderer sitting in prison, I am simply living in the light of the knowledge of my worth to the Lord.

Image is linked to worth when it comes to humanity. Men must be either Athletic, Handsome, smart or savvy in order to have worth in the world, while women must be attractive, smart, attractive for them to be considered worth it here. It's stupid. It's a lie. Those attributes have no thing to do with worth, and everything to do with Gifts. They are gifts from the Lord, who looks no differently from one to the other. The man who works on a car has no more worth than the one preaching if they are both living and working for the Kingdom. We try to put things in that fill the void of God and we continue to fail. I tried sports, parties, girls and even work to fill that void for years and nothing worked. You can't Fill a God Sized Hole with a Man Sized Answer. Won't work. It's like trying to put a square where a circle should be you'll fail every time. It either won't fill all the space, or you can't fit it in at all. Our Image is like that of God. We are a chosen race! Beloved! Adored! Treasured! Looked highly upon! God Loves us, and when we live in the knowledge of that fact we have an image that no mirror can reflect and nothing can ruin. For Christ makes new our image to the Father.

So, we are beloved, treasured, and wanted. We are image bearers of God. And we Have nothing to do with our self-worth. Our Self-worth is all about Jesus. We can either live in the knowledge of that use, or we can ignore it. Like the man who ignores a million dollar check on his table addressed to him, he can cash it or let sit, or even throw it out. God wants us to only cash it. He wants us to cash in on our worth in Him and he is desperate to keep us from throwing it away. Psalm 139 is full of allusions to how Good God is in our creation!

It talks about being knit together in the womb, how skillfully we were made, how he has cared enough for us to write out our days before our birth. It says that the number of Good thoughts he has about us is more than grains of sand! For each person! He gives us worth. He loves Us. Treasures us. Desires us. He's reached out for us, he came to us when we could not come to him. Surely if we were not something of Value, something of Great Worth he would not have given his son for us. Forget what the Devil says that we're not good enough, that we can't beat our sin, that we can't live in that faith he's a liar a killer and a thief (John 10:10) He's a fool! He sees God face to face and thinks he can be better. That is a fool who knows no wisdom. Wisdom is this, God Loves us and desires us. He will give us the strength to overcome the sin in our lives, he guides us to live by faith. We are the Pinnacle of creation. We are the beloved children of God! We are valued.

Rejoice in the things about ourselves and our situations that we don't like! For they are surely only for our good. That one is hard to swallow for me. But it's true none-the-less. I've seen it so many times. He works everything out so that we can be well and live life abundantly for his Glory.

Know your worth. It's found in God! Nothing Here! No one here! Only by God.
Live knowing your worth. Cash that Check don't let it sit on the table, and surely don't throw it away and sell yourself off for the Lies that the enemy tries to convince you of.
We cannot ever change our worth in the Eyes of God. There is nothing we can do to make God love us Less. So try every day to do everything For Him, in Him and through Him.

God Loves us. End of Story