I've been running a lot lately. Last week everyday I was up at 5 am, which resulted in me being in the gym at 6am and working out before breakfast and class all before 8. It felt good to get in the weight room, to get on the treadmill and to run especially. I haven't run in a long while. I usually swim or bike or something else other than run but lately I've been running.
I've always used working out to get numb in a way. To forget things, people, events, even to forget the day that lay behind me. Honestly, I work out to feel it so that I don't have as much energy and focus to think about what was going on before. It's how I cope. When fighting doesn't work, I hide. If I can't fight it anymore, if I can't get around it, If i can't go through it, I get away from it.
It's been that way lately. I fought harder than I ever have, used more energy and pushed myself but nothing happened of any good in the whole deal. I got to a point where I couldn't go another step forward. I was alone, felt abandoned even though I truly knew better, and I felt worthless, even though I know where my real worth lies. I was spent. I had nothing left.
I felt mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. It was the internal mirror of when I was training for the twelve minute run for football at Concordia University. I had to run 7.75 laps of a quarter mile track in 12 minutes or less. It was hard! I never quite got there, but I remember that when I did my best when I ran as hard as I could for twelve minutes I could barely move. And I had fallen Short. I failed. I was stuck. I didn't end up playing football for them, I didn't even go to the school it didn't have anything to do with the run but still it was a stigma i kept with me. I couldn't do it.
That's how life has felt lately. That I can't do it. That even though I've gone through the training, and that I've had the guidance, assistance and encouragement of those around me I still failed. What's worse is looking back it feels like it was twice in a row. It happened and then I kept getting ready, I got more prepared, I got better I moved forward and then when it came to show up it bombed. I failed. Again. Nothing I could do at all. So I sat there and punched a brick wall for a while. After 2 months of progress it died out. Nothing I did worked nothing got through and I was on empty. I haven't recovered. I haven't juiced back up. I'm not ready. I'm not even close. The Lord feels distant, and it's my fault sure but fact is it's the truth. I know he's never failed me, but I feel like I've failed. I put so much into it and nothing happened. I'm still empty. I'm still fighting for something that's not there. I'm swinging blindly in the dark. I haven't learned my lesson. I can't sit and jus let it because then I have no say in the matter!
Maybe it's better that way. That i have no say in the matter. That I just stay and Hide. But is it hiding in the cowardly sense or, is it smart? Is it to rejuvenate and prepare. To game plan and get right? Is that a smart way to do it? Is that how we should do it? Should the marines chill in the building for an hour before moving through the rest of the town when they come upon something they didn't expect? If they found a tank regiment and didn't plan for it, and decided to just keep going they'd be whipped out. They would have to come up with a battle plan.
So thats where I'm going to be. Coming up with a battle plan. I'm going to fight to be in the light, I'm going to do all I can to be in the right mind and I'm going to win. End of Story. The Lord is my strength, in fact in him is where I'm going to be doing my plan. For Psalm 61:1-4 says "Hear my Cry O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint' Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever Let me take refuge in the shelter of your wings." He also tells us that we are more than conquerors in Christ. We Will Conquer! We Will Win! The Enemy doesn't get to hold on to the part of my life that he has for so long. He has no power over me and he will lose.
It's taken it's toll on me, and I'm tired sore and worn but I'll win. I just need a little rest. In the shelter of the Most High.