Over the past few months, coming back to almost a year now, I have felt like I am in a constant state of upheaval. Nothing has gone as it was desired, and I let things that were important to me slip away. Oh the things we lose to depression. Desire to do what we love, the ability to stand for ourselves, and often to even see the good things going on in our lives. I've spent time in the word, though admittedly not nearly enough. Hear and there I'd find a psalm or passage to focus on, I'd latch to it for a week then, forget about it. Twice I memorized passages in an attempt to pull them to mind when the time called for a battle, and I lost them. They weren't needed and I didn't practice. It was a defeat I brought to myself because when I did need them, they weren't there at my fingertips to use.
It's been crazy. School is harder than ever, and I'm less motivated than ever. Working out used to be a thing that I loved to do, now it's hard to even want to make time for it. I'm disconnected with the church I attend, typically because I find myself over sleeping, and then blaming the disconnect on the my inability to come to most church functions due to being away at school (26 miles isn't away.) I seldom throw myself into my home work, papers, tests what ever. And most often find myself throwing myself into my bed, or the car. I work just fine, though I've given away too many shifts for my liking, and for the liking of my bank accounts. I've turned apathetic to most things, and the hardest part about it is that I dont know when this Funk is going to end. I have a difficult time calling it a funk, a funk is . . idk a few weeks of being in a lil mess, this has been over a year. There's been some things that have been catalysts to it, if you know me you know them also. But it's the little things.
The little things that drive me crazy, and the little things that make me smile. A text from a friend. A random gift, hug, smile, what ever. A good grade, a good day. A day where i wake up thankful for waking up, is a day that I know I'm going to enjoy. I used to take great pride in things like work, and working out, and the like. Now? I'm content, dare I say complacent. Well the fact is I hate where I am, I hate who I am being at this moment, pretending to be more like, and this Complacency is fake. My enemy has decided to get me to a point where I want to do nothing. He wants me to make me lazy, Un effective.
My enemy isn't physical, no it is deeper than flesh and blood. It's the sin nature with in myself, at least in part. More so it is my belief that it is the Enemy that all Christians face at one point in time or another, the Devil, the Deceiver, the Liar, Satan. That angel that felt he deserved glory. The Fool who thought he deserved Glory. How simple it is for him to convince us of the same fallacy. That we deserve Glory. Hes the enemy of Enemies, the worst of them, the one that we must wage war with, or at least must Let Christ wage a war within us against him.
A Psalm that I found, that centered my mind and heart on this truth, that he is the enemy I have been fighting lately, is Psalm 13. Granted the enemies that David is speaking of are physical enemies, either the philistines or those sent after him from Saul. But no less, so often in the Psalms we see something that rings true for us in today's world, and often see the Spiritual aspects to the earthly problems that the Psalmists wrote of.
"How long O lord? Will you forget me forever? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me. Consider and answer me O lord my God light up my eyes, lest i sleep the sleep of Death, lest my enemy say I have prevailed over him, lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast Love and my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD because he has dealt bountifully with me" Psalm 13:1-6
I felt for so long that the LORD abandoned me, that he didn't forget me that he just saw what I saw, that it wasn't going to work, that I wasn't going to do anything worth while, so he gave up. It's like just dropping a project int he middle of the effort. Thats what I felt was happening. It was foolish of me to think so, he's done too much in my life to put me where he wants me, some painful, some delightful. But all good, as it says in Hebrews 6 God has done everything for the betterment of his people. He never looked away from me, It was I who looked from him. I started to take counsel in my own soul and thus brought the more problems. The enemy has kept my head down too long, self centered and self focused, and I've been aiming for a chance to force my eyes up, to get them lifted up so i can once again see the Glory of God played out in my life.
I started to heed this writers advice, along with the writer of Psalm 77, and started to look into the good that God has done and trust in what I know he's done for me before. Where he's brought me, to whom, with whom, with what, how, every detail I could remember I tried to recall so that I could see that today is not a waist and tomorrow is a gift i should pray would come quickly and pass slowly. It has been a difficult time, a difficult task as well into figuring out what I'm to do now. I'm still down in the dumps so to speak, still depressed and over anxious about many things going on right now. But for the first time in a while I'm excited for the future, for the places he's going to bring me. It's going to be a good ride.
I'll finish with two more verses of a Psalm. Psalm 37:4 - 5
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will five you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD trust in him and he will act."
Didn't take me too long to figure out the secret. Of course it's all in accordance to his will, but the fact is, that I wasn't delighting in the LORD nor was i truly committing my way to him at least not joyfully, I guess it's time for it to happen. That's the change I'm making, and Oh what a difference it's made.
He is Great, mighty, beautifully strong, and Loving. Truth is, that's about all I need.