Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Ever wake up with that feeling that everything was falling out from under you?

Yea, wish it went away when I woke up.

I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm told to finish school and keep going in what I'm doing. That's great. I mean I do think that I'd be great at being a teaching pastor and teaching Bible at a high school, yet I'm not always sold that I'm supposed to do that. I don't like school so why would I want to teach? I'm struggling to be who I should be. I can't seem to make the changes necessary to be who I'll need to be in order to do that right. Not that I'm doing anything terribly wrong but I'm not the typical picture of a pastor. I've really been debating dropping out of school and seeing if it's possible to get into the fire academy. I'd be good at it.

There's no secret that Many people can't picture me in ministry. And the responses I get from the parents and others is that those people don't really know my heart or that they don't really know me. My response typically is, maybe they know me better than you think. I'm not gentle, or all that kind. I struggle with things of Faith, in fact I wouldn't say I have a strong faith outside of a solid scripture knowledge. . . take away any aspect of the scripture and I go nuts Lose everything. It seems I put more faith in scripture than in Christ. maybe it's simply that I can see scripture, I can read it, I can touch it and I can't always do that with God. I have goals, things I'd like to do, typically encompassing the fact that I want to disciple young men into maturity. I hated how Bible was taught to me in High School, and I don't think we give today's youth enough credit, I believe we sell them short a lot. But am I the person to go and change that?

If I was truly meant to continue in ministry, would I have such doubts? Would I be able to question what I'm doing daily? Regardless of how good my worship was, or how difficult the day was the same questions come up again and again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting money, time, and energy. Yes I know that I can't truly waste time investing time in learning about God's word, but that doesn't make the thought go away.

I guess it comes to who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I want to serve God, but I'm not sure I'm able all the time certainly not sure I can when I'm in this state. . . So what do I do? I don't like this feeling at all.

Any thoughts? Ideas?

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