Thursday, April 15, 2010

Soul Searching.

Lately things have been incredibly difficult for me. Classes, work, working out, when I'm at school I wanna be home, and when I'm home I want to get outa the state. It's been progressively worse even though at times I feel better. it's far more often that I have the urge to get away from everything that's been plaguing my mind.

I feel like I've been under attack since the school year started, peace has all but alluded me, and Joy well more often than not it's forced. I pray and read, though more prayer than reading much to my own disappointment, and yet I feel as if my prayers hit the ceiling and come back and pierce me like a knife. It's like I'm running in place. I feel empty, unfulfilled. I confess my sin and pray for change. I renounce the evil things that are inside of me, and yet I feel no relief. I believe I've truly given these things over to the Lord, and yet don't feel as though He is taking them from me.

I know that I'll never be given more than I can handle, but maybe He's overestimated me. Or I'm underestimating myself. . . not sure which one. A lot of the things going on and through my mind have to do with certain situations that have come about and loss of relationships, and strains on other ones, and yet I don't feel this is the core. I feel utterly alone, almost all the time. Even with my best friends around me, I feel alone. I'm the scapegoat, the target, the fool. I'm the accessory that's not needed, and only there because of convenience. I've felt that for a long long time. Deserted. Abandoned. Forgotten. Alone. It's something I've grown used to, but being used to something being there, doesn't mean I still don't hate it with all I have. And I do. Perhaps It's my end to be alone. To go through this time alone and figure something out, something that will enable me to come out on top later when there isn't a way for me to do so. or maybe it's so that I can influence someone else. I don't know. All I know is. I'm tired of it.

So here's to my hope that my prayers reach the Fathers ears and that he takes care of all my needs and brings me peace for longer than a day. To joy that isn't forces. And happiness that's not based in relationship. Hope it works, He is good so. Just waiting to see.

1 comment:

  1. Whatever you're feeling... the confusion and pain of any or every situation, I'm here for you. I love so much and it makes my heart ache to hear about your pain. I know that most of what you feel can only be dealt with between you and the Lord but if you ever need an ear I'm always here. I love you.