It's been weird lately, still. Complicated, hard, confusing, but it's working it's way towards being good, maybe even great. I'm sure that the choices I've made are for the better, and that they are going to be proven to be the best ones for me, however I wish they would be proven that now and that the pain and discomfort that they brought would be finished with would simply dissipate. It's not something that's going to happen over night, I know that. I just wish it would come soon because I liked the feeling of being secure and safe and wanted. It's going to be good though. Great though. This is all for the better. It's all going to be better because of this.
On to the Topic on hand. Forgiveness
Easter was yesterday and that always brings up the sermons on forgiveness and how we've been redeemed through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I love that, though it's hard for me. It's been hard for me to forgive people I care about. People that are still in my life, that I erased from my life, and even myself sometimes. That's partially what my whole situation is about, the fact that I can't forgive and it's tearing me apart. It's making me think things that I shouldn't be. It's keeping this bitterness and this anger inside when it should be gone by now. I mean, the thing happened two years ago, and if nothing else at the end of it I was the one still around, I was the one that came out on top, yet I still hold a grudge against it. It's horrible.
My mom used to say that in that particular event I won, I believe she's wrong. Because two years later, it's still one of the biggest issues I have to conquer every day. To wake up and make the decision daily to not hate, but to forgive and realizing how often I fail at that. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to forgive the friend that hurt me so badly, that hurt the person I cared about so badly, and I'm also trying to forgive that person too for unintentionally hurting me even more. I'm sorry to you both. I'm sorry to everyone involved that I mistreated, that I erased, because well it's about time I manned up and forgave the situation.
More over, I have to ask forgiveness too. Forgiveness for the bitterness I hold against you both, the anger that wells up inside me sometimes spills over. I'm sorry for hurting you, for talking trash, and for putting you down. I'm sorry for dragging you along behind me since that summer and not letting go of the pain that was with it. I'm sorry. Forgive me?
Jesus forgave me on the Cross 2000 years ago, for everything I would do. For all the mistakes, the evil words, thoughts and actions, for my doubts and my anger, yet I can't do that?? He died to forgive me that day, to forgive all who are willing to come to Him in fact, and I can't let go of this event. I mean, as far as the east is from the west so are the our sins from the Mind of God. Two years ago I was hurt and I drag it along with me today, yet the Father who had His Son die to forgive us has tossed aside our transgressions. Little pathetic on my part no?? I love the phrase and idea of dieing to ourselves daily in order to be like Christ. So, I'm making the effort to die daily and forgive those who hurt me. (It feels alot better than holding the grudge, like a weight lifted)
There's one more person I have to forgive, and this one is the hardest of all. I have to forgive myself. I am allowed to give myself grace when it comes down to it. I'm not good at that, that's very easily seen. I'm success orientated, if I lose then I'm immediately a failure, if I struggle than I'm immediately a failure. I never give myself grace. It's about time. Time to forgive myself for the things I've done, and let go of my own bitterness towards me. I'm allowed to make mistakes, it's inevitably going to happen, it's just a matter of how we respond. Do we hate and get angry when we screw up and continue to remember that mistake until it eats us alive and causes us to doubt ourselves, our Love, and our God? Or do we stand up when we fall, do we press forward and make the difference because we won't be stopped. The path of God is forgiveness, the path of the enemy is hate and malice and bitterness. I'm tired of trying to live a life reflecting Christ, yet give the enemy such a great foothold into my life. Even if it is geared at myself. So, I'm extending myself grace for the things I've said (even this week), the things I've done (Even this weekend) for the things I've thought (daily), for the many mistakes I've made with my relationships and people who I chose to surround myself with. Of course It'll take time to completely let go of, but hey, I'm not alone right? This is going to work.
Even thinking this, reading this over, realizing that the process has begun is a weight lifted.
Funny how forgiving is harder for us than begrudging is, yet the Yoke that Christ gives us is light and easy... because just because it's easier for the moment doesn't make it easier in the Long run. It would have been a much better two years if I had just forgiven this whole thing then. It would have been a much better few years, if I could have just forgiven myself then. Either way, it's gone today.
I've died in this manner today, I hope to die to this world more and more each day. Would you come with me?